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Author Topic: A Cold Morning indeed...  (Read 4927 times)

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Offline Thinkto urself

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A Cold Morning indeed...
« on: March 03, 2008, 10:05:13 pm »
The 3rd story in my Fictional Soldat series.
"Die with Honor" The first and second ones are availible in my sig,
Concept from tw_ColdMorning, enjoy.

It takes 20 years to make a man, it takes 20 seconds of war to kill one.
[/i]

It was a nice day.... We were being dropped off onto a small port town of "Freddo lutto" Or, Cold Mourning. It was a strange day yesterday. We went all around the city of "Chemical" And we found this weird old Journal..... Anyways, it was a pretty nice little portside city. They passed down the ammunition to us, along with 2 claymores each and told us to push onward.

Sucked that we were going to fight in such a peaceful town. Guess that's just how it goes. It was just Me, and Vigil. The mist from the morning still lingered among the port. We wondered why the town was so peaceful. We were walking toward a bridge, a makeshift bridge to be exact. It was a log, apparently, it barely even reached the other side... We jumped over to the bridge. Out of the blue, a wooden plank broke, Vigil's foot fell down into the water. It wasn't just any water, it was the coldest water that he had ever felt, there was only a thin line of ice, between the air, and the frozen water.

Vigil cursed in pain, he pulled his foot out, he ran to the nearest patch of grass and rolled in pain. (He isn't used to this kind of mission... Must be his first...) I told him to pick up his guns, and roll out of the grass, go, and don't get yourself killed. We were given little weaponry. A Dragunov SVD, 40 rounds for it, a small SOCOM, and 30 rounds for some gun that they hadn't even given us.

It was slightly bleeding where Vigil had plunged into the water, near his heel. He put some cloth on it, and we moved on. The village was empty... It was a ghost town. It was completely deserted. The ground we stepped on was now grass, no longer solemn peaceful wood. Then we saw it. The dead... It lingered in the grass, the smell of rotting bodies. There was dried blood in some of the grass, this town was attacked recently... It must have been in pretty bad shape... Near the dock, We found shells from a 50 Cal. There were no boats in the dock, they were all burned.

The village turned from a relaxing lakeside village, to the hellish reality of death. I could no longer stay. We got away from the docks as soon as possible. I told Vigil to prepare himself for an ambush. We had no automatic guns, we couldn't just rush into an enemy... We had to scan the area for a threat... Vigil was new to the idea of laying down next to dozens of dead bodies. He sat down, in fear of what may happen if he laid down. The area was clear. We pulled out or socoms and left the makeshift graveyard.

It was a ridge, where we found 2 Automatic guns. They were basicly MP5's. The rounds that we were provided fit into them fine. The situation lightened up. We had helmets, Gloves, 3 inch thick body armor, 2 cases of ammo, and Automatic weapons. We could now move faster, and without fear.

We were sent here as Assassins... That hindered us from any intention of a full out assault, after all, we only had 30 rounds. We were supposed to kill the enemy militia's General. , DN7 they called themselves. No idea what the hell they had to do with our lives, but I guess an order was an order. We were told that they were meeting near the western docks.

The Dragunov felt heavy on my back. It rocked back and forth as I ran, the mist and smell of dead bodies lingering in the air. I had no Idea what we were getting into. I told Vigil to stop sticking so close to me. I felt sorry for the kid. For some reason, I'm sort of a really bad luck charm. When ever I have a squad, it's either we all die, or 1 person dies. It's never been, Hurray! We all made it! We Went to funerals, memorials, we etched names into stones, everything to remember our fallen comrade.

I hated this routine. I felt like dying now. All I had ever done was ruin lives, end lives, and go around this f*ckin' world takin' lives. This was the routine. This was what I hated. Vigil was going to die. I knew it. I put that thought behind me and I went on. Life seemed black and white after all these missions... I think I will retire if Vigil dies.... If he doesn't, hell, I'll go crazy.

*Veeooorrr!* SH*T! Vigil cursed out loud, giving away our position, and practically calling out to all the machine gunners. "Idiot!" "You're going to get us killed!!" "Hell, you'll probably die anyways," I was becoming careless now, I let the words slip out of my mouth. "WHAT?!" "What do you mean I'll probably die?!" Vigil was muttering under his breath while crawling out of the machine fire. "Well, it's a funny story... You see, when it's with me, someone always dies.. And that's a statistic," "WHAT?!?!?" "You got a 60% chance of dying kid, don't make it 90. 50 Caliber machine gun bullets roared overhead, I was crawling as fast as I could now, firing the Dragunov through a hole in the brick wall everytime I had the chance, I only killed 1 of them. Only?! What was I saying? Only?! You know how long it took for him to be what he is before I killed him!? A quote from a famous WW2 general came to my head,
"It takes 20 years to make a man, it takes only 20 seconds of war to kill one.
[/i]

There I go again, pondering off in the middle of a life taking moment. Right now, I reminded myself, I had to survive. I took out the MP5 and took out the last 2 MG's. It was satisfying. Hell, we're screwed, might as well get the dumbass General already.

Artificial leaves covered my whole body, wearing the stupid camo suit. The Red Dragunov SVD stood out like a bunny on a nuke. There was no end to this bull.

I stuck the SVD in its camo cover, and amazingly, 2 tanks passed by unnoticingly. Inside my mind, I felt like killing the tank operators, and using that to beat the sh*t out of the General. That would be stupid, I don't even know how to pilot a tank.

We moved onward, I could hear Vigil breathing heavily, I could tell he was afraid of death now. I looked at the bright side, he was guaranteed to die, might as well die fighting. Vigil crawled up to me and asked, "How much f*ckin' farther?" "Not mu--" There was a roar of applause.

"Shu--" My comment was interrupted by firing of guns in orientation. They were speaking a foreign language I did not know, and could not understand. I could see that they were about 20 meters from us. I took out the Dragunov, loaded it with a full clip, and told Vigil to do the same thing. The Militia General was coming out of an armored vehicle now. I could see the shape of a generally unfitted steel armor plate behind his suit. I told Vigil to go for the head, no second chances. He complied, I had a feeling that he might not die. That was only a feeling.

It was the moment. He was standing on a pedestal, looking like he was begging to be shot. Hell, if I had an RPG I would've shot it right now. But I didn't have one. All I had was a SVD, and some teammate that was probably gonna die on me when we started running. I told Vigil to move a distance away from me, in order for us not to be killed immediately atleast. Once he had gone about 9 feet away, I signaled him to take the shot, I did as well. It was a heart beat of instinct. 2 shots to the head. There was a sudden scream from the crowd and we knew we were screwed.

"This is Squad 7, we have been spotted, target has been taken, request back up, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!" I took out the MP5 and set the clay mores down. I ran out, throwing grenades back at the crowd of unexpecting militia soldiers. Idiots were barely trained, I remember that one of them forgot how to load his rifle, and took out a pistol instead of firing with his rifle. Sure there aim was terrible, but they ran fast. Really fast. I set off a Claymore, it took out about 5 of 'em. I had radioed for a helicopter to pick us up, but it wasn't here yet. I guess we had to kill the rest of the Militia Soldiers while running and waiting for the DAMN HELICOPTER TO PICK US UP! I ripped out my MP5 and used all the rounds. I was too scared to look back to see how many I killed.

I could hear screaming from the crowd of militia soldiers when Vigil crouched and opened fire with his still existent 30 rounds. He was panting, running back up to me, shooting his SVD behind him as he ran, he told me, "Soo... How do I die exactly?" It was hard to hear what he said over his "HuffHuffHuff," his panting was strong. We heard the drone of a helicopter coming toward us....

Hell, it could be anyone's helicopter. It was still fairly far. We ran toward it, firing back at the Militia while we could. The body armor had done quite some good, I had no wounds, I wondered if Vigil had gotten wounded while running, for a reason for his heavy panting. The helicopter's drone became louder, and soon enough, we heard fire from it. It wasn't at us, it was at the remaining militia soldiers. Hell, it finnaly came they threw us a ladder down. Finnaly.... We were safe... We were alive.... On the helicopter, a medic inspected us. Vigil had suffered 3 wounds in his right arm. Nothing serious though, they missed vital veins and bones. It was surprising how many bullets had hit me. The medic counted 7, they were removed with precision... Vigil... The first person to ever survive a squad mission with me...

It was amazing...No one's ever survived...
Maybe there's something special about this guy...
Maybe.... Maybe he won't die for another few missions...
Maybe I'll take him along with me...
Just maybe, maybe, he'll be the first Squadmate to attend my funeral.



Writers notes...

Don't really know what was going through my head when I wrote this... I guess I just wanted something that wasn't as incredibly violent through the whole thing...
Well, I guess it's 3 now....

Go away Bond, A four year old, Pie™

Please point out some stuff that I did wrong in this thing, thanks for reading.

New ones are now in fan art/apps section.



« Last Edit: March 26, 2008, 01:11:30 pm by Thinkto urself »

"An anomaly of the sea, shrouded in ubiquitous clouds, a mystery to the man as black holes to the world's smartest physicists"

Offline Meecrob

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2008, 06:10:52 am »
wow. that was awesome. keep writing

Offline The Rogue

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2008, 01:22:21 am »
i shall continue this story for you.

suddenly, the rogue comes along and points his finger at the helicopter. the helicopter explodes. everyone is dead.
[knife]

Offline Thinkto urself

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2008, 01:02:57 pm »
i shall continue this story for you.

suddenly, the rogue comes along and points his finger at the helicopter. the helicopter explodes. everyone is dead.
That wasn't funny. Maybe you should write your own story, and then discriminate it.

"An anomaly of the sea, shrouded in ubiquitous clouds, a mystery to the man as black holes to the world's smartest physicists"

Offline The Rogue

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2008, 05:10:51 am »
hey.. thats not nice.. i thought it was funny.
[knife]

Offline Bjarne Betjent

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2008, 06:09:59 am »
Cba to read it, lol.

Offline Pie

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2008, 02:05:56 am »
First of all, The way you write isn't the correct way.
If you're really interested, study the body of a famous text or ask a teacher to teach you about how it's done.
Second of all, The point of a short story is to either;
A) have it action packed, I.E sticking with the war theme make it explosive as you can so the reader will actually think it's too explosive I.e, "Man, that was pretty freaking cool..."
B)To provoke thought about a topic or issue, I.e, Perhaps add something touching to it that clashes with the gritty war theme, Something like the battles inside a soldiers mind perhaps?

It needs work.
Also, Make sure your sentences are proper sentences, Not sentence FRAGMENTS which is bad.
And again, every time a person speaks you need to start on a new line, unless what you're saying is in complete correlation with what he/she said.

Not trying to be overly critical, But it isn't really a good story, It's not gripping like it should have been, It's not fully descriptive. The structure of the whole thing isn't exactly "Great", You tried to cover too much ground. As in you should of focused on a particular part, not let the view shift around to so many places if that makes sense.
IF you're serious about writing see a teacher and talk to them about writing properly.
Lol, internets.

Offline BondJamesBond

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2008, 10:08:16 pm »
First of all, The way you write isn't the correct way. "The" should be lowercase.
If you're really interested, study the body of a famous text or ask a teacher to teach you about how it's done. Ask a teacher to teach? Redundant?
Second of all, The point of a short story is to either; Why is "The" capitalized?
A) have it action packed, I.E sticking with the war theme make it as explosive as you can so the reader will actually think it's too explosive (<--- wtf?) I.e, "Man, that was pretty freaking cool..." You're advice is terrible i.e it sucks i.e go away
B)To provoke thought about a topic or issue, I.e, Perhaps add something touching to it that clashes with the gritty war theme, Something like the battles inside a soldier's mind perhaps? Almost good advice. He means add more themes... Although it is contradictory to (A), useless for SHORT stories, and irrelevant to provoking anything.

It needs work.
Also, Make sure your sentences are proper sentences, Not sentence FRAGMENTS which is are bad. Uhm. Satire, right?
And again, every time a person speaks you need to start on a new line, unless what you're saying is in complete correlation with what he/she said.

Not trying to be overly critical, But it isn't really a good story, It's not gripping like it should have been, wtf comma? It's not fully descriptive. The structure of the whole thing isn't exactly "Great", You tried to cover too much ground. As in you should of have focused on a particular part, not let the view shift around to so many places if that makes sense. Enough, this post is a lie. Why would you tell him to add "battles inside a soldiers mind" if you didn't want the "view to shift"?
IF you're serious about writing see a teacher and talk to them about writing properly. No thank you, I prefer talking to my pants


P.S. The original post still sucks, especially this part:

Die with honor™
« Last Edit: March 25, 2008, 10:10:02 pm by BondJamesBond »
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Offline Thinkto urself

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2008, 10:21:23 pm »

"An anomaly of the sea, shrouded in ubiquitous clouds, a mystery to the man as black holes to the world's smartest physicists"

Offline BondJamesBond

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2008, 10:30:14 pm »
The computer is a moron.
?  - Peter Drucker

Offline Sir Jeremy

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2008, 04:03:35 pm »
What was so bad about what she wrote?  She must be quite an author, really cool, I could never write all that, well done :):)

Offline Pie

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2008, 09:50:18 pm »
First of all, The way you write isn't the correct way. "The" should be lowercase.
If you're really interested, study the body of a famous text or ask a teacher to teach you about how it's done. Ask a teacher to teach? Redundant?
Second of all, The point of a short story is to either; Why is "The" capitalized?
A) have it action packed, I.E sticking with the war theme make it as explosive as you can so the reader will actually think it's too explosive (<--- wtf?) I.e, "Man, that was pretty freaking cool..." You're advice is terrible i.e it sucks i.e go away
B)To provoke thought about a topic or issue, I.e, Perhaps add something touching to it that clashes with the gritty war theme, Something like the battles inside a soldier's mind perhaps? Almost good advice. He means add more themes... Although it is contradictory to (A), useless for SHORT stories, and irrelevant to provoking anything.

It needs work.
Also, Make sure your sentences are proper sentences, Not sentence FRAGMENTS which is are bad. Uhm. Satire, right?
And again, every time a person speaks you need to start on a new line, unless what you're saying is in complete correlation with what he/she said.

Not trying to be overly critical, But it isn't really a good story, It's not gripping like it should have been, wtf comma? It's not fully descriptive. The structure of the whole thing isn't exactly "Great", You tried to cover too much ground. As in you should of have focused on a particular part, not let the view shift around to so many places if that makes sense. Enough, this post is a lie. Why would you tell him to add "battles inside a soldiers mind" if you didn't want the "view to shift"?
IF you're serious about writing see a teacher and talk to them about writing properly. No thank you, I prefer talking to my pants


P.S. The original post still sucks, especially this part:

Die with honor™
Go to hell, I was trying to give advice, you're trying to suck cock, Stop trolling my posts please.
Lol, internets.

Offline X-Rayz

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2008, 11:44:21 pm »
Uhhh....

I thought it was good. It ended kind of abruptly though.

Offline BondJamesBond

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2008, 12:51:10 am »
Advice?!? You call that advice???

I wasn't about to let you get away with that.
The computer is a moron.
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Offline TradeMAAK

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2008, 03:57:58 pm »
Soldat fanfics...what's wrong with this world???
destroy

Offline Grimbad

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Re: A Cold Morning indeed...
« Reply #15 on: April 12, 2008, 01:23:08 am »
Also, Make sure your sentences are proper sentences, Not sentence FRAGMENTS which is bad.

Eh, shmeh. For first person stories poor grammar, if used for effect is okay. People don't always think and speak in perfect grammar. Take, for example, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, by Robert A. Heinlein (who also wrote Starship Troopers). The narrator speaks like this: "At last was over and Dragoon officer left Alvarez". It's still a great story.

anyways... soldat fanfic is indeed a pretty strange concept.
!@#$%