Story I wrote, tell me what you think(Yes long, OH GOD THE HORROR OF READING)

[Lostpr0fits]

Uh, well, okay.  The first thing I would  have to point out is that some of your dialogue is missing punctuation.

Your body paragraphs include sentences that are short, sporadic and have details that are not truly necessary to the story.

There were times when you jumped extremely quickly from scene to scene without much warning, and doing that can cause confusion among some of your readers and make them lose interest in your writing.

The last paragraph contains a huge portion of the plot so I would personally break it up into smaller paragraphs so as the reader doesn't have to take it in one large dose (if that makes sense).

I can't honestly say I've read much of Hemingway's work, except for A Farewell to Arms, but I don't remember his writing style being similar to yours.  Like I said, though, it has potential and I think it's a good idea for a story.  I'm a fledgling writer also, so I'll give you the advice I was given:  keep writing and reading and you'll find yourself improving in no time.

[karmazon]

Uh, well, okay.  The first thing I would  have to point out is that some of your dialogue is missing punctuation.

Your body paragraphs include sentences that are short, sporadic and have details that are not truly necessary to the story.

There were times when you jumped extremely quickly from scene to scene without much warning, and doing that can cause confusion among some of your readers and make them lose interest in your writing.

The last paragraph contains a huge portion of the plot so I would personally break it up into smaller paragraphs so as the reader doesn't have to take it in one large dose (if that makes sense).

I can't honestly say I've read much of Hemingway's work, except for A Farewell to Arms, but I don't remember his writing style being similar to yours.  Like I said, though, it has potential and I think it's a good idea for a story.  I'm a fledgling writer also, so I'll give you the advice I was given:  keep writing and reading and you'll find yourself improving in no time.

What punctuation? If you mean, periods at the end, I did that on purpose.

It's stream of consciousness style. Think "Ulysses". I want to write what a person thinks. People don't have structured thoughts, there's a lot of association and chaos going on in someone's thought process.

Jumping from scene to scene was planned too, but if it's a problem for people reading I'll look into that.

I don't want to break up the last paragraph, because it's one continuous thought.

[Lostpr0fits]

I wasn't referring to your stream of consciousness styling, I was referring to punctuation in your dialogue (that is, people talking to each other).  I would have to say it's almost... required to have punctuation, regardless if you're referencing thoughts, dialogue or descriptive text.

Here's what I meant:

You’re the only reason she survived young man[period]”

She survived! Thank you doctor! Thank you so much.

“So, how is she[question mark]”

“Oh, she’s alright. She’s lost a lot of blood, so it will take her a while to recover, but she’ll live…again, thanks to you[period]”

“That’s great news[period or exclamation mark]”

“Are you a friend or a relative?”

“Neither. I’m her boyfriend[period]”

I bolded the places where the punctuation was absent.

edit: if you're looking for examples of extremely well done stream of consciousness, check out Hatchet by Gary Paulsen.

[karmazon]

I wasn't referring to your stream of consciousness styling, I was referring to punctuation in your dialogue (that is, people talking to each other).  I would have to say it's almost... required to have punctuation, regardless if you're referencing thoughts, dialogue or descriptive text.

Here's what I meant:

You’re the only reason she survived young man[period]”

She survived! Thank you doctor! Thank you so much.

“So, how is she[question mark]”

“Oh, she’s alright. She’s lost a lot of blood, so it will take her a while to recover, but she’ll live…again, thanks to you[period]”

“That’s great news[period or exclamation mark]”

“Are you a friend or a relative?”

“Neither. I’m her boyfriend[period]”

I bolded the places where the punctuation was absent.

I view writing as art, and according to me, there are no rules in art.

[O.R.I.O.N.]

The critics say otherwise.

[Lostpr0fits]

I view writing as art, and according to me, there are no rules in art.

Since you're going to be snarky about it...

If you call that piece of writing "art" then I'd have to say it's akin to wiping your ass on a canvas and calling it art.  Try a response like that on a writing critique forum and see how far it gets you.

[karmazon]

I view writing as art, and according to me, there are no rules in art.

Since you're going to be snarky about it...

If you call that piece of writing "art" then I'd have to say it's akin to wiping your ass on a canvas and calling it art.  Try a response like that on a writing critique forum and see how far it gets you.

Tee hee 
Don't worry, I see your points, and I'm taking notes. I just don't like rules, any kind of rules in anything.

[O.R.I.O.N.]

Well now, that explains quite a lot, now doesn't it.

[karmazon]

Well now, that explains quite a lot, now doesn't it.

No it doesn't, now doesn't it.