Oh, where to begin on this mystical carriage.
First of all, its bright ass fucking
orange..
Its also a diesel and a stick shift, though we are not allowed to take it out of first gear because the trans fucked, for this reason we also cannot reverse. Parking this back in its spot is horrible (you have a narrow path to do a full 180 degree turn) and you can't mess up or you are BONED.
To start it we have to turn this little knob backwords and hold it for about 30 secs (it also releases fumes of something) and then we crank it forward and PRAY that it starts. If it does not start we repeat the process, the fumes get pretty strong if it decides to not start.
We put it in cruise control that way we don't have to hold the gas pedal, the gas pedal is right by your foot. If you accidentally tap the gas pedal the tractor will go mach 5 and probably fuck up one of the baskets inside of the giant rollers that collects the balls (in that case you have to put the tractor in neutral and fix the basket, unless you are in the middle of the field).
The driving range is about 275 x 350 yards, its full of little bumps, massive hills, and small holes. The seat is made of PLASTIC, and covered in a trash bag. It is also a bit broken, in an office chair you can use the pressurized gas to go up or down, and ensure a smooth seat. This things gas packet/hydraulics is completely shot, whenever you hit one of those small bumps or anything you bounce up and down. This hurts a ton because there is nothing to slow the fall, at all. So you just slam up then down (for about 40 mins).
Golfers are D-Bags. Most of them try to hit you in your tractor whenever you get close (most can't hit you to save their life). I've even had some teenage D-Bags THROW golf balls at the Tractor because they were molested as children (I kindly flip them off or start cussing like a madman). Most people don't realize how fast a golf ball travels off a club, well I'll tell you: when that golf ball hits the cage it makes the LOUDEST, WORST noise you ever hear (on busy days its constant), its jarring at first but you get used to it.
Disorientation. You will never get used to it on this big ol' piece of machinery. First of all, the fumes, oh lord the fumes. I'm not sure what the hell they are, but they are white/yellow and smell terrible, they fly straight into every orifice you have. You will be light-headed, dizzy, and want to die. If the fumes aren't enough you get the cage. I don't know if you have stood pretty close to a chain link fence and tried looking past it, you get this terrible vision feeling (you're eyes try to focus on the background and the fence), I'm sure the fact that the cage is bright red does not help. To finish it off: you have about 8 extra feet of rollers on either side of you. It is the widest thing I've ever driven. I've clipped a few of the distance markers and the fences.
The Environment: I'm not even sure where the hell to start on it but lets start with the weather. In the good ol' state of Michigan our weather varies constantly. You can be riding in the worst dampest heat, or the frigid cold. Now for mosquitoes, good God they're everywhere. I don't know if I've been cursed with them but they are everywhere. After a nice long tractor ride I will have about 15+ bites all over my legs (I wear shorts because of the heat). The tractor at night is terrible, add in all of the disorientation, the mosquitoes, and multiple that by 8, add in the dark and the crazy dim lights this thing has and you're in for one hell of a ride.
The baskets: we have to fill the rollers with 18 metal-frame baskets. The baskets aren't to bad at first, but they are stacked (3 stacks of 6) which make them heavy, large, and very easy to break your finger. Sometimes the baskets do not want to separate, in that case you must beat the shit out of them until they come undone. When you are finally done with your ride, you have to pick up each basket (now weighing 40-50 pounds) and carry them to our little golf cart and load it up. We then drive that to a backroom, unload them, and then wash and stack the golf balls.
Little bit of extra info:
1. Animals are the devil (I have had a woodchuck chase me on the tractor), and I've come close to running over rabbits and birds.
2. The engine of this actually died about 2 years ago, so my boss got another from a tractor that got RUINED IN A FIRE.
3. This tractor is over 30 years old.
4. When you teach another employee how to do the tractor, you have to stand on the space behind the tractor and in front of the metal cage (its like standing on an = sign).
5. I have been hit by a golf ball while on this, it hit the tire and bounced into my leg. It left one hell of a bruise.
That's all for now, I hope you all enjoy my story of my hellish rides on the devil. I might do a couple more stories of my other job's FUN ACTIVITIES.
I hope I did a half decent job in writing, I tried!
