Ballad of the Lonely Girl

[Graham]

New story I wrote. Maybe you guys will like it. I know its got grammar errors so don't be surprised when that happens. I have read through it 3 or 4 times tonight and got all the obvious ones out hopefully. Its a little over 3000 words for those of you that want to know. During the story you may notice time passing faster then it should, that's intentional.

If you can't open the file just say so and I'll post as txt.

[Blue-ninja]

If it's the Ballad of the Lonely Girl, (after reading it) shouldn't she still be alive?

[Graham]

If it's the Ballad of the Lonely Girl, (after reading it) shouldn't she still be alive?

Yeah I thought about that. I just thought of the title and haven't found another one that fit...

[Blue-ninja]

Anyway, nice story.

But it doesn't manage to be gripping, and it's too fast-paced, as you admit. Plus, there seems to be no plot stories other than just going straight for the bad guy and shooting him in the head.

But if it's unfinished, my crictism might be void.

[Graham]

Anyway, nice story.

But it doesn't manage to be gripping, and it's too fast-paced, as you admit. Plus, there seems to be no plot stories other than just going straight for the bad guy and shooting him in the head.

But if it's unfinished, my crictism might be void.

I didn't think it would be that gripping, its just a neat story of a guy put in a strange place. Plus this was a new type of writing for me. The plot is getting an answer, I admit I rushed the answer but I honestly couldn't think of how to keep the story going and not be boring as hell. The story is already longer then I planned.

[ElephantHunter]

Ballad of the Lonely Girl has potential. I like that Riley Stevens is quick to take action. He bashes through the window without thinking of himself to save Selena, then takes revenge for her.

The story has a few elements that are rather unrealistic. Selena shouldn't say, "You have shown me a love that I never knew" right before she dies. In fact, she shouldn't say anything. She's weak and knocking on death's door. Just a smile, hug and perhaps a tear would suffice. Romantically, actions speak louder than words.

I would have preferred if Riley was killed at the end. Why? The Senator, in his evil plotting, surely expected the one person who knew the truth to attempt to foil him. In fact, if I were Senator Parks, I would have offed Riley myself.

By the way, this Senator is almost comically stupid during the phone conversation. He's blatantly admitting that he's an evil-doer who killed his daughter. Sociopaths are typically more strategic. Less cackling and more excuses. Ex: "I didn't mean to do it", "They were after us! I told my daughter to meet me at the road", "She was suicidal", and so on.

As I mentioned, there is potential. You're already halfway there. If you can make a few sacrifices in plot, then I think it will make a world of difference.

[Graham]

I know the senator seems like an idiot.. like I said I couldn't think of anything(Plus I have no idea what kind of contacts a senator could use for his own use.). I figured most people would just overlook that and focus on Riley.

Oh and about Riley dieing, well thats one thing that could have happened. I like to give readers some answers but also more questions to ask, which is why I didn't say if Riley pulled the trigger or not. No one really wants a story to end.

Again an edit, forgot to address Selene's last words. I didn't want her to not say anything. I thought people would care less about her that way. So I tossed in a few  admittedly corny sentences.

[Will]

could you post it in .txt format, I have some trouble with open office right now...

[Graham]

Booyaa!

[PANZERCATWAGON]

Hey, this reminds me of something I seem to remember you showing me before. Did you post this already?

I found it a very interesting read albiet it was a little fast paced for me. It just means you have to concentrate more per line then you would in an average book, but hey don't listen to me it's a short story.

Also, I disagree with EH about her last line, most people want to get out as much as they can before they pop their clogs. Plus it's good for the small amount of character development she gets, which in turn helps the reader feel more for the characters.

[Graham]

Hey, this reminds me of something I seem to remember you showing me before. Did you post this already?

I found it a very interesting read albiet it was a little fast paced for me. It just means you have to concentrate more per line then you would in an average book, but hey don't listen to me it's a short story.

I gave you the first paragraph, I can't remember why.