Story I wrote, tell me what you think(Yes long, OH GOD THE HORROR OF READING)

[karmazon]

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=ddpnnc3n_0cw8wb79t

Critique please

[Scorpian]

Sucks. Stop writing.

[Carlitos]

Sucks. Stop writing.

Did you read it? Or did you judged by the size of it?


And i hate math to

[PapaSurf]

Stream of Consciousness meets bash.org

I guess it IS possible fail so hard that you win.

10/10

[Horve]

use more fancy words so that the majority of people don't understand what you're saying.
Interesting story, but a little out of the league of my preferences.

Frankly it was a bit boring, I mean who isn't used to those (another life of Tom/Bob/Sam/Sekor) types of stories, but it started getting better at the fighting and burning , I wish there were more words to express the atmosphere of everything. I mean the more you explain, the more details- the better picture the reader gets. That is just me speculating.

EDIT: I meant that there should be longer words like inconvenience and blatant and suspension and salvation and propaganda. I'm talking about those. Making simple sentences into long detailed ones.

[karmazon]

use more fancy words so that the majority of people don't understand what you're saying.
Interesting story, but a little out of the league of my preferences.

Frankly it was a bit boring, I mean who isn't used to those (another life of Tom/Bob/Sam/Sekor) types of stories, but it started getting better at the fighting and burning , I wish there were more words to express the atmosphere of everything. I mean the more you explain, the more details- the better picture the reader gets. That is just me speculating.

Wait, are you saying I should use fancy words so people DON'T understand what I'm saying?

And it's supposed to be boring till then, cause I wanted to show that the main character has a boring life, that's why he goes crazy cause he wants adventure, instead of just playing video games all day.

And I'm still developing my style, but I'm influenced by Hemingway, who would use verbs rather than adjectives.

[Fluffy]

It could have been better. Still you have potential.

[The Philanthropist]

Excellent ending.

the rest of the story is choppy, you make it very obvious that the characters life is boring. I would  use other characters to interact with Tom to show the reader how boring his life is instead of direct narration.

[Smegma]

EDIT: I meant that there should be longer words like inconvenience and blatant and suspension and salvation and propaganda. I'm talking about those. Making simple sentences into long detailed ones.

Hahahaha

[The Philanthropist]

EDIT: I meant that there should be longer words like inconvenience and blatant and suspension and salvation and propaganda. I'm talking about those. Making simple sentences into long detailed ones.

That has to do with writing style and next to nothing about quality. He was influenced by Hemingway, whose writings were characterized using short, simple, more direct sentences.

[jap_man]

I thought it was a pretty good story, that has a lot of potential and needs touching up done to it in my opinion, but I'm assuming this is just a draft right?

Also I really liked the twist you put in at the end, but I thought the development of the fucked up side of Tom was lacking a little bit, you probably could have put in more about his isolation, but then again it is still your story in the end the only opinion that really matters is yours.

Also if you are a keen reader/writer I was wondering if you would be down for trading stories or some shit.

Anways, mad fucking story

[karmazon]

EDIT: I meant that there should be longer words like inconvenience and blatant and suspension and salvation and propaganda. I'm talking about those. Making simple sentences into long detailed ones.

Hahahaha

That's what I thought...

I thought it was a pretty good story, that has a lot of potential and needs touching up done to it in my opinion, but I'm assuming this is just a draft right?

Also I really liked the twist you put in at the end, but I thought the development of the fecked up side of Tom was lacking a little bit, you probably could have put in more about his isolation, but then again it is still your story in the end the only opinion that really matters is yours.

Also if you are a keen reader/writer I was wondering if you would be down for trading stories or some bollocks.

Anways, mad fecking story

 Yeah, it's a draft. Thanks for the critique, I need to know what people like and don't.

[Bv]

I liked it, you could put more detail in describing the surroundings and characters tho' and slowin' the tempo of the events a bit, but that's just my oppinion,

[SadistAtHeart]

It was a pretty fun read, I liked it. The dialogue was a bit hard to follow at some points; specifically at this part:

“So how boring is this museum gonna be?”
“I actually like museums”
“I knew you would, f*g”
“Shut up b*tch…oh, someone just got owned”

There's no way of telling who started the dialogue, or who's saying what. It's not a big key point in the story, but a minor flaw nonetheless.

I'd also like to mention that I absolutely love how quickly the story moved along. I actually kind of chuckled when Tom said "Jessica is a fatty" immediately after the bus accident. Keep writing!

[{LAW} Gamer_2k4]

Is this one of those O. Henry short story dealies where there's an epic twist at the end? Or did I just not get what was happening?

[tehsnipah]

took me more than 10 mins to read it(annoying) but nice story.

[chutem]

Liked it, apart from all the 'haha's', they annoyed me quite a bit.

[karmazon]

Liked it, apart from all the 'haha's', they annoyed me quite a bit.

[Lostpr0fits]

took me more than 10 mins to read it(annoying) but nice story.

Yeah, it's annoying when reading anything takes longer than 10 minutes.

OP:  It has potential.  I had trouble following it at times, but I think with a few revisions it could be a well written short story.

[karmazon]

Well, tell me what those revisions are.