STORY

[kniferknight95]

As i took my first step onto the battlegrounds of Equinox, I instantly felt a rush. My Bravo team had non other than the best solders they could find. As I began sneaking into the tunnels below, i made sure i had my sniper riffle loaded, 2 grenades, and a knife. As soon as i got into the tunnels, a sniper shot soared past my head. It knocked my helmet off. I instantly dove for cover behind a box crate. As I began yelling for some heavy support, a solder came down, with an MP5. As soon as he began advancing, he was killed. from a shot to the head. As i laid down, i held my knife up over the box. Reluctantly, there was a reflection. About 2 crates ahead, was a sniper. Under his helmet, i saw he had jet black hair. I put my gun in an opening between the 2 crates i laid between. As i shot the gun, I heard a splatter sound. I checked, and the sniper was dead. After i grabbed my helmet, i stood up, looking at the dead solder behind me. I could manage 1 more grenade. As I moved up as quietly as i could, I saw a solder with a chain gun. I crouched behind the nearest set of crates. As i aimed my riffle, I noticed the moonlight was reflecting off of the gun barrel. I shot the gun, only to be blown on my back. I heard the solder scream in agony. I almost felt bad for him. As i walked up to the dying solder, I stuck my knife into his stomach. I still had a long ways to go. Up ahead, the bridge was down. I called in for some support. By the time everybody had gathered up, we began working on the lower bridge. TO BE CONTINUED!!!! I KNOW ITS NOT TOO GOOD!!!

[Lone-Wolf]

It was a pretty fun read.. I like how the knife's metalic reflection was used to scout the combat zone ! xD
You might wanna beef it up a little though, like capitalized letters in front of sentences, and avoid typos. Maybe some paragraphs.

Keep up the creative work ! :]

[UnknownSniper]

That's like an episode of Stargate SG-1. (SciFi was fun when cable was down. =p)

[Sir Jeremy]

I liked the Story, very nice to read and pretty exciting, Can't wait to read the next part.  Also was This actually real something that happened to you in a game? or are u just making it up? Lol, Just curious.

[The Geologist]

A few suggestions.

Break up the block of text into a paragraph or two, or three.  Even the occasional lone sentence can have a nice impact.  Not only does this make it easier to read, but can help for emphasis when something new happens.  Can be hard to pick a significant event out of a solid block of text.

Second, even if this is written in first person, try to find ways to avoid using "I" so often.  Heavily oversaturated with "I".  For example:

"As I moved as quietly as I could, I saw a solder with a chain gun".

Change a few words and you can knock out some redundancy.

"Moving as quietly as possible, I saw a soldier with a chain gun".

Or this.

"As I took my first step onto the battlegrounds of Equinox, I instantly felt a rush".

Could become, with a little shifting.

"As I took my first step onto the battlegrounds of Equinox, the rush was instantaneous".


Mind you, these are just suggestions.  Take some time to play around with what you write, and don't be afraid of editing and making changes.

[Platehead]

Yes, follow the Geologist...
I love your story!!! Especially the knife reflection bit... xD... and emotions during a gun fight rock!

Umm yeah this is not a criticism, but recently finishing a physics assessment in which I had to build a model household circuit (involving connecting wires with solder)... I found the solder typo VERY funny.... imagining solders runnign around with guns...

^^
Sorry... nice story once again and keep it up

[iDante]

Reluctantly, there was a reflection.

Why was it reluctant...? The whole grammar of the thing makes me cry.
But keep going, it could go places.

[Platehead]

Umm I think he was looking for a word meaning... I dunno... perhaps...

"I held up my knife over the box, holding my breath.  Heaving a sigh of frustration, I caught a glimpse of a sniper in its reflection."

Trying to outline the disappointment of the main character when he saw the reflection?
Yeah, the grammar does give it a slight drawback, but the story is really good.

P.S. I have never written a story before either... so I'm probably incorrect.

[-Zombie-]

Rofl, cool story

You should make another chapter and add some characters (just suggesting). Any ways i thought it was intense lol.

[Captain Ben]

...My Bravo team had non other than the best solders they could find....

i want my money back this story has nothing to do with soldering

[Hair|Trigger]

Nice story, I personally liked it.  Fix up your grammar a bit tho.

You seem pretty creative, or just copying Behind Enemy Lines sorta stuff.  Either way, good

[-Zombie-]

lol dont forget theres a spell check button