Author Topic: STORY PART 2!!!!  (Read 1345 times)

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Offline kniferknight95

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STORY PART 2!!!!
« on: June 27, 2008, 08:01:03 pm »
As my allies had reached the bridge, i noticed a dead body from the enemy. This was my chance to make a great impact on the enemy. As I took the body and went in disguise, I threw the body into the spike pit. I sprinted across the bridge and saw the enemy sniper. He checked me out. He looked me over from head to toes. I held my breath. Just as i started sweating, another soldier came down. I was relived when the sniper turned and told his soldier one of the enemy had been reported missing by a scout. This was a bad problem, not only would I have to take out the scout, I would have to take out the sniper. The best on his team. I ran upstairs and saw the scout. He was packing a shotgun and starting to head out. I had all of the rage built up inside of me. As i took out my knife, there was a brief moment where, I felt I shouldn't do this. But my emotions took over my body. I slashed my knife in his back. As he fell screaming in agony, I stabbed him in the stomach. Somehow, the sniper hadn't heard. As i crept up behind him, I saw the heavy soldier. If i were to survive, I would have to take out the sniper, and throw the knife at him. This was easier said than done. By the time the sniper was dead, the heavy soldier turned around and shot at me. As i dove behind the crates, I was already hit in several places. The shooting stopped. I waited, I saw him walk up to me, with a handgun, it was aimed at me. Just as he said, "Say your prayers", a sniper shot hit him and he was dead right away. I was the luckiest person in the world at that point. As I ran upstairs i took the flag. When i was running out, I was hit from a turret shot. I fell on my knees and began crawling. Another shot hit my back. A nearby team mate offered help, I simply told him to take the flag, and save us from death. As I threw the flag to him, he caught it and ran. As I took my last breath, just as I saw the enemy advancing I said, "You Son of a bitches...WILL NOT WIN!!"

Offline Hair|Trigger

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Re: STORY PART 2!!!!
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2008, 08:04:53 pm »
Nice!  You have improved a bit in grammar.  But your structure and events were a little un-real.  But thats ok, it was fun reading.

Swear filter kinda ruined the end line though :( 

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Offline kniferknight95

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Re: STORY PART 2!!!!
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2008, 08:08:59 pm »
Thanks, I might make part 3 ( Note: All of the following events are true) (Except the disguise part)

Offline -Zombie-

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Re: STORY PART 2!!!!
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2008, 09:35:42 pm »
Good but some how it wasn't as good as the first one. I liked it though, looking forward to chapter 3.

Offline Captain Ben

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Re: STORY PART 2!!!!
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2008, 11:21:49 pm »
you got shot 7 times but can still run away HOW DOES THAT WORK

Offline iDante

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Re: STORY PART 2!!!!
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2008, 11:27:34 pm »
I'd like to know WHERE the turret shots hit. Like... if they hit you in your arm, you might be able to run away, but anywhere else... no.

Offline Hair|Trigger

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Re: STORY PART 2!!!!
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2008, 11:42:00 pm »
Its soldat geez..

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Offline Lapis Lazuli

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Re: STORY PART 2!!!!
« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2008, 02:44:59 am »
23% F-

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Offline Platehead

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Re: STORY PART 2!!!!
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2008, 04:28:32 am »
Hmm... pretty much same score as the first one from me...
Fixed grammar a bit, but structure still needs working on i.e. paragraphs.  Read our comments to your first chapter - and try and apply them - then... I'll be looking forward to chapter 3.  Nice read overall though =D
"It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels." -- Augustine