[Short Story] The Suspect

[STM1993]

I originally posted this short story some time ago in another forum, but I think I'd like to share it here as well. It's a non-Soldat related story about a man suspected of being a vampire and a vampire slayer. My idea just came up within minutes, the writing took less than 40 minutes. I don't know where else I should post this, so I figured the Lounge would be best. Enjoy the short story.

<Original Thread>



"Stop right there!"

The shadowy figure stopped almost instantly.

"Turn around and face me, Mr Jacob A. Anderson!" The voice ordered a second time. Again, Jacob did as he was told, and was now face-to-face with the Vampire Hunter, a silver-plated, sawn-off double-barrel shotgun in his right hand, locked onto his suspect.

The vampire hunter, Zack, was a strong man of average size, with dark hair and sharp, blue eyes. He donned a red cape in addition to his maroon shirt and brown trousers. He also wore thick, black leather gloves and a heavy pair of military boots.

On the contrary, Jacob was a skinny figure, with rather pale skin and dull, red eyes. He was dressed in a brown coat and brown pants, as well as black leather gloves, black leather boots and a brown hat.

"There is no escape Jacob, you're cornered in this rundown warehouse," Zack pressured his suspect. "Either you give up the easy way or we'll do this the hard way."

"Then I'd choose the latter," Jacob dashed to his right, just as Zack fires a round. Unfortunately, he misses, while Jacob unsheathes his katana and rushes towards his pursuer. The cold blade of Jacob's katana flies at unholy speeds towards Zack, but it was intercepted by a quick block with the shotgun. Going into a berserk, the attacker continued with more furious slashes, only to be easily parried off with the shotgun. Zack reacted with a swift kick, striking Jacob's stomach. Jacob groaned in pain, whilst Zack continued with his onslaught, his rising leg dealt a heavy blow to Jacob's chin, lifting Jacob's body up from his bent position. Zack then spun around, immediately getting into another stance, his right leg facing Jacob's chest, bent and ready to attack. Before Jacob could recover, Zack's leg sprung out, boosting Jacob into a solid concrete wall, once again demonstrating Zack's excellent martial arts skills. Bits of debris shattered from the nearly broken wall. The suspect was apparently barely conscious when Zack approached him.

"Mr Jacob, you've been witnessed attacking innocent civilians and siphoning their blood! No human could have moved at the speed in which you have earlier! Isn't it obvious now that you're a vampire?" Zack loaded his shotgun with a silver 12-gauge shell. "And you know full-well that vampires are no match against vampire hunters!"

After a few coughs, Jacob spat out a few mouthfuls of blood, then looked into his pursuer's eyes with his own half-closed eyes. "I am not a vampire..."

"Then what are you?"

"...I just like to drink BLOOD!!!" Jacob's eyes bulged as he leaped onto his feet, his lifeless hands grasped the vampire hunter's shoulders, catching him off-guard. As Zack made futile attempts to struggle, Jacob opened his drooling mouth, revealing rows of sharp teeth and a pair of fangs. He sunk his teeth into Zack's tender neck as he cried out in pain, and he feasted onto his victim's blood - the blood of whom was, ironically, that of a vampire hunter...

[PANZERCATWAGON]

ok

im not 100% right now so i may be wrong in places with this reply

but as i write myself and i know how it feels when you show off pieces, i felt i must give my review. so here goes.

firstly i think the major thing that im thinking of when reading this is that its almost entirely action based. i think this story would probably be better suited to on screen. i hope you can understand that. im just guessing, but seeing as i used to write like this too, it can be hard when you are writing with little guidance or experience because you may have ideas but are lost with how to express them.

now as for general writing tips here.

you are an able writer and you write with enthusiasm which is good. i think you need to start focusing on making your writing more mature. what i generally mean by this is by writing your stories but considering things like 'is this paragraph too long', 'where is/should i focus the point of this sentence/paragraph' or 'reading this again would i find it predictable or boring'.

also try not to make your stories more advanced in style by adding things just for the sake of it, like semi colons and things.

try to focus on the bigger, more important things. making a story a good story can be something very small or simple but added over its entire length.

for instance, you announced the vampires name in a very straight forward way and frankly it was awkward. this is just a short story remember and, thinking of the bigger picture here, i think it would be easier on the reader and also slightly more poetic if you did something like leaving out names altogether. no one is going to get attached to your character over half a page and so much more meaning and depth could be added by simply referring to the characters as almost representations. if you really want to give characters names and histories then its best to try that in a medium other than a short story.

one last highly noticeable thing, when you describe appearance.

try not to focus on just the color of all his items of clothing, you might want to extend into things like texture and age or how clean they are etc.

going further than that i would lay off describing too much in detail in a short story anyway. unless it really matters or you are going for a story full of describing but little happening.

other than that the whole thing is ok but id like to see you write something considering the points above.

[~Niko~]

nice story, but I agree with panzer, mostly on that you focus mainly on colors. I'll write a 4-5 pages story on chrismas, and I'll follow what you said, too.

you aren't bad on doing this, do you do this for fun?

[{LAW} Gamer_2k4]

I'll jump on the criticism bandwagon, because that's how I react to any written work.  Other people can tell you what they like; I'll just point out what I don't like.

Some of the wording is awkward, and the entire story isn't grammatically sound.  It could be much worse in that respect, though.  However, you do confuse tense ("Jacob dashed to his right, just as Zack fires a round") and there are minor punctuation issues ("There is no escape Jacob, you're cornered in this rundown warehouse" <- there should be a semicolon, not a comma).

One thing that stood out to me was the line I mentioned above: "you're cornered in this rundown warehouse".  For some reason that just rubbed me the wrong way.  I didn't like that it was the character describing the setting, rather than the author.  No one would ever say that; they might say, "You have nowhere to run!" but they're not going to describe the warehouse, even with something as simple as "rundown."  That's just my take on it, though.

Finally, short stories are supposed to have a point.  Yours is just "Vampire hunter finds vampire, fails to kill vampire, and instead gets killed by vampire."  That's not a very compelling plot.

However, as I said before, I've seen a lot worse, and don't take my criticism to mean that I hated it, or that there was nothing good about it.  It's just easier for me to pick out the weaker areas.

[iDante]

Aside from a few syntactical errors (changes of tense, etc), the story was entertaining.

Unfortunately, I've banished the mention of vampires from my mind after the big Twilight epidemic (anyone here ever read Cirque du Freak?).

[Wraithlike]

You have to break the habit of using the passive voice. Instead of "Jacob did as he was told," why not just, "Jacob complied."

Don't say that "Zack, was a strong man of average size, with dark hair and sharp, blue eyes." Show how Zack's muscles bulged through his shirt, how his hair fell in a miasma onto his cape, and how his blue eyes gleamed in the evening's pale light.

Also, of course maintain a constant tense, and use more meaningful adjectives when needed. Don't just describe objects, show how they relate to the story. Such as, instead of Jacob simply having [list of clothing], Have his clothing stained with his victim's blood.

Also, work to cut out unneeded words. And make syntax fit actions. "The shadowy figure stopped almost instantly." Can become, "The shadowy figure stopped." It's a brief sentence that mirrors the characters actions. This could also be very evveftive during the fight, as you can use quick sentences to enhance the significance of the blows. You could even consider using fragments to make the action even quicker.

There's a lot you could do. Just work on developing your style, and you could become quite a good writer.[/list]

[The Philanthropist]

how his hair fell in a miasma onto his cape,

Miasma doesn't make sense in this sentence

Also, your Short story is much too short.

[Wraithlike]

how his hair fell in a miasma onto his cape,

Miasma doesn't make sense in this sentence

It was a form of Metaphor. Likening the hair to a miasma invokes dark, ethereal, smoke-like images.

[STM1993]

Thanks for the feedback guys! I'll take note of them when I write again =D

Mmm so I guess generally, I do have some problems expressing ideas, over-describe (too many details, and they do not link/flow with the story), some English errors (tenses etc). Perhaps I'd have to try to see the story like a reader while double-checking it rather than double-check as an author how the ideas are expressed. I think I'll need to build up my vocabulary a little, seeing as how I tend to over-describe since I don't really know better words.

On a side note, I'm more used to typing in a first-person manner.

Finally, short stories are supposed to have a point.  Yours is just "Vampire hunter finds vampire, fails to kill vampire, and instead gets killed by vampire."  That's not a very compelling plot.

It's meant to be a bit like an extract from a much larger story. Thanks for the criticism =D

do you do this for fun?

For fun. I type when I feel I don't have much to do and when I've a sudden spark of idea.

[{LAW} Gamer_2k4]

Also, of course maintain a constant tense, and use more meaningful adjectives when needed. Don't just describe objects, show how they relate to the story. Such as, instead of Jacob simply having [list of clothing], Have his clothing stained with his victim's blood.

Also, work to cut out unneeded words. And make syntax fit actions. "The shadowy figure stopped almost instantly." Can become, "The shadowy figure stopped." It's a brief sentence that mirrors the characters actions. This could also be very evveftive during the fight, as you can use quick sentences to enhance the significance of the blows. You could even consider using fragments to make the action even quicker.[/list]

Excellent points, and I really like the your suggestion of having the style reflect the actions in the story.  It's something that good authors do, but it's often subtle enough that people aren't aware of why the writing is good; just that they like it.

However, I prefer "stopped instantly" to simply "stopped."  Here, it's good to indicate that Jacob reacted right away, because it's completely different if he slows down and stops, or some other variation of stopping that isn't "instant."  I think the adjective here is helpful in trying to convey what you wanted.

[STM1993]

I read that sentence a few times after reading your suggestions.

For some reason, putting the "instant" there makes me feel... a bit slower and less definite because of the extra words I have to read, yet at the same time, if I were reading a bit faster or slightly differently, the "instant" gives me an idea of how quickly the person reacted.