jrgps wonton adventure - part I: last love

[PANZERCATWAGON]

"you can come in now joe."

jrgp straightened his y-fronts under his pants quickly before getting up from his seat in the corridor and turned towards matrons office. as he pushed open the office door with an abnormal amount of effort, his weak and bony arms were limited to simple tasks such as reaching for the next can of coke as he applied finishing touches to his linux programs, he then caught sight of matron.

most of the students that met matron for the first time would instantly recognize her for her youth (roughly mid twenties they often thought) and shapely appearance. her hair a coconut shade of brown, lips full and displaying todays choice of cherry colored lipstick, and while her pronounced rack would surely have been enough to fulfill any mans tick list, she was only just noticeably short for a woman.

jrgp, however, did not recognize these things. he was too busy recognizing that too familiar noise of a windows error being shot onto matrons computer screen. matron gasped in shock as jrgp bolted towards her desk instantly before vaulting and sliding across the desk to land in her highly adjusted swivel chair. clicking and typing frantically with an almost god-like speed, jrgp was in his zone. sweat began running down and around the mounds of acne on his cheeks and forehead as he cleared problem after problem, negating any suspicions that the list of submission fetish pornography sites in her browser history were matrons doing rather than the viruses corrupting her system, until he suddenly twirled around like a nancy boy, leapt to his feet and struck an unbeatably smug face.

"ive finished searching your hard drive and i believe your operating system is now one hundred percent virus free!"

matron, slightly taken back by the display she had just witnessed, began slowly,

"... well thank you very much joe, but i feel i must admit something to you. your teacher sent you down here to help me and find out why my work was corrupted but ..."

matrons dull green eyes whirled over various items in the office to ease her mind as she nervously attempted her sentence. jrgps minuscule boner, which had recently appeared during his recent computer performance, began to retract.

"... but the real reason i asked you down here was so i could see you, joe."

not a more puzzled look could have been on jrgps face as matron continued.

"every day i watch you joe. i feel so empty and hollow at night when i get back to my apartment with just me and my cat. the only thing that gives me the strength to come in and stomach sick and whiny kids all day is knowing that at lunch break, through this window, i can see you. everyday ive watched you eating your lunch and talking with your only friend in the school, the computing teacher, and over time ive fell in love with you. and not only that but i see the way that computer teacher acts when you talk to him, he doesnt want to be around you joe. but i do. i love your ridiculous amount of greasy acne and your discolored teeth. i love how your lack of muscle could be compared to that of a seven year old girl. i have, do and always will love you even if no one else does."

matron suddenly became very tense, turned and began picking up her various bonsai trees jrgp had knocked off with his table acrobatics. jrgp did not move to help.

"im sorry joe. i really shouldnt be telling you this. its improper of me and if anyone found out theyd have me reported and fired, but ..."

matron sighed,

"... but i just had to tell you."

jrgp blinked. matron stood akwardly for a moment before reaching out and grabbing jrgp by his bony wrists and staring with desperation into his eyes.

"come back to my place, just for tonight. tell your parents youre staying over a friends or something and i can explain how i feel properly. please?"

joe took a moment to input just exactly what matron was asking of him before he finally spoke in his wheezy, crackly voice,

"im sorry matron but my parents would never believe i have real friends. let alone that they would want me to stay over their house for a whole night. though even if they did believe that, im just too busy. im currently configuring my nvidia geforce 8400m gs so i can program in linux with the comforting knowledge that its being displayed at roughly 54 frames per second."

jrgp then reached into his schoolbag. he pulled out a cd case and placed it on matrons desk.

"here. its a ubuntu installation cd. you dont have to install linux onto your computer if you dont want to but id advise it. then i wouldnt have to come down here to see you and sort out your computers viruses anymore. anyway im nearly five minutes late for being ten minutes early to my computing class so ive got to go. goodbye matron."

and as the office door closed slowly behind jrgp, so too did the door to matrons heart. after opening her desk drawer, matron reached in, pushed aside her mouth gag, and pulled out a glock 17 semi automatic pistol (freshly purcashed for such an occasion). with one hand raised to direct the gun through the base of her jaw and the other into her silk white panties to finger bang herself to images of jrgp in a full leather dominator outfit, she pulled the trigger.

at that very same time, somewhere out in the deepest part of ever reaching space, god himself - wept.

[a-4-year-old]

I feel like I should have paid for such quality entertainment.

[Psycho]

When is the movie coming?

[LtKillroy]

Agree with 4 year. Don't most places have a 7 day waiting period for purchase of fireams. I guess you could consider that freshly purchased... The last line is priceless.

[jrgp]

buh, my boner is not minuscule, I do have a bit of athletic strength, and I am no where near as nerdy as you wrote.

sorry, I can't refrain from locking this steaming pile of crap.

If the lounge mods really feel like letting these morons bash and defame me even further, feel free to unlock and let the crap-shoot commence.

[Wraithlike]

That story was 963 words. 963 words, I assume typed by you, all about jrgp. You type at 25 words per minute.


I did some mathing, and determined that you spent 38.52 minutes typing that. And I assume you also thought about it for a bit, so in reality longer.

Thats a long time spent writing a story about Mr. jrgp. I think I sense an obsession. Could you perhaps have deep repressed romantic urges for him?

[jrgp]

Unlocked by request.

[Psycho]

I can't believe you take this seriously. I would not describe this as bashing, just an entertaining fiction

[Hair|Trigger]

let me just say that was a brilliant story

I laughed here and there too, not that I have anything against jrgp, but its a great piece

[Godefroy]

I've told you before, PANZERCATWAGON, you need to become a writer!

[Godefroy]

jrgps minuscule boner, which had recently appeared during his recent computer performance, began to retract.

That's when I actually started to "laugh out loud".

[PANZERCATWAGON]

hmmmmmm

cheers you lot and im happy it brought some smiles

i kind of half wanted this to be an example to some of the newer members that the lounge can be quite an interesting place if you want it to be

i mainly just wanted to reply to this:

Agree with 4 year. Don't most places have a 7 day waiting period for purchase of fireams. I guess you could consider that freshly purchased... The last line is priceless.

yeah i had considered that at the time but in the end i think i just chose the wrong word. i think i made quite a few other fuck ups but to be honest i couldnt be bothered spending time reading through my writing again like i normally would

I've told you before, PANZERCATWAGON, you need to become a writer!

i write part time. uh would like to write properly but too many barriers

[jrgp]

Yeah, capitalization and punctuation really are hard barriers to pass..

[Psycho]

Yes, better have those fixed in the next installment.

[Blue-ninja]

You Know You're Just As Bad As This Guy.

[The Geologist]

Epic thread is epic.

[iDante]

You Know You're Just As Bad As This Guy.

Whenever I read that guy I start seizing.

PANZERCATWAGON: You have one of the most interesting writing styles on the forums. Seriously though, a little capitalization can't hurt. Remember that bash.org quote about jacking off horses or whatever, REMEMBER IT.

[{LAW} Gamer_2k4]

Great story, Panzer.  I was laughing throughout the entire thing; your caricature of the typical linux nerd (unfortunately dumping that on jrgp) was simply hilarious.  I'm definitely looking forward to part 2.

Some of my favorite lines/phrases (sorry jrgp):
"until he suddenly twirled around like a nancy boy"
"jrgps minuscule boner, which had recently appeared during his recent computer performance, began to retract."
"i love how your lack of muscle could be compared to that of a seven year old girl."
"im currently configuring my nvidia geforce 8400m gs so i can program in linux with the comforting knowledge that its being displayed at roughly 54 frames per second."
"anyway im nearly five minutes late for being ten minutes early to my computing class so ive got to go"

[Brock]

You need to be a writer.  Lol.

[Mangled*]

It's so descriptive I can really picture every minute detail in my head!

PS: Looking forward to part 2!

[Demonic]

My tainted black heart is filled with joy.

I laughed. And laughed good.

He who dare locketh this thread shall haveth his arm broken down and shoved up his nasal cavity.

[Iago]

holy f*** i love you panzercatwagon

[Laser Guy]

This is awsome, why are there so few of these in the forums...

[~Niko~]

That was awesome! When will the second part come out??

[Laser Guy]

When it's ready!

[Graham]

Good stuff, made even better by jrgp being a nancy about it.

[jrgp]

Whatever, only one thing I can say Panzer:

Make more!

[Clawbug]

Yeah, capitalization and punctuation really are hard barriers to pass..

So are dull face, glasses and acne.

Panzer.. PANZERKAMPF!!

[excruciator]

Unlocked by request.

LOLZ. Whata civil servant you are jrgp.

Somebody summarize this 900 word monstrosity into something readable please(like 100-200 word). Sorry, I will not read anything pointless that exceed 200 word.

[Clawbug]

Unlocked by request.

LOLZ. Whata civil servant you are jrgp.

Somebody summarize this 900 word monstrosity into something readable please(like 100-200 word). Sorry, I will not read anything pointless that exceed 200 word.

jrgp. Love. Frustration and embarrassment. Small, concise mind of a young man boy. Filth. Hatred. Boredom and useless waste of time.

[jrgp]

Unlocked by request.

LOLZ. Whata civil servant you are jrgp.

Somebody summarize this 900 word monstrosity into something readable please(like 100-200 word). Sorry, I will not read anything pointless that exceed 200 word.

jrgp. Love. Frustration and embarrassment. Small, concise mind of a young man boy. Filth. Hatred. Boredom and useless waste of time.

Let's not also forget the exceptional computing ability panzer oh so strongly implied.

[Clawbug]

Unlocked by request.

LOLZ. Whata civil servant you are jrgp.

Somebody summarize this 900 word monstrosity into something readable please(like 100-200 word). Sorry, I will not read anything pointless that exceed 200 word.

jrgp. Love. Frustration and embarrassment. Small, concise mind of a young man boy. Filth. Hatred. Boredom and useless waste of time.

Let's not also forget the exceptional computing ability panzer oh so strongly implied.

Beginners luck, I say.

[jrgp]

jrgp, however, did not recognize these things. he was too busy recognizing that too familiar noise of a windows error being shot onto matrons computer screen. matron gasped in shock as jrgp bolted towards her desk instantly before vaulting and sliding across the desk to land in her highly adjusted swivel chair. clicking and typing frantically with an almost god-like speed, jrgp was in his zone. sweat began running down and around the mounds of acne on his cheeks and forehead as he cleared problem after problem, negating any suspicions that the list of submission fetish pornography sites in her browser history were matrons doing rather than the viruses

Really, Clawbug?

[Clawbug]

jrgp, however, did not recognize these things. he was too busy recognizing that too familiar noise of a windows error being shot onto matrons computer screen. matron gasped in shock as jrgp bolted towards her desk instantly before vaulting and sliding across the desk to land in her highly adjusted swivel chair. clicking and typing frantically with an almost god-like speed, jrgp was in his zone. sweat began running down and around the mounds of acne on his cheeks and forehead as he cleared problem after problem, negating any suspicions that the list of submission fetish pornography sites in her browser history were matrons doing rather than the viruses

Really, Clawbug?

Yes. He just tried to look cool without knowing what he did. Like he tries all the time in different threads. Cold reality is his fiercest enemy.

[jrgp]

jrgp, however, did not recognize these things. he was too busy recognizing that too familiar noise of a windows error being shot onto matrons computer screen. matron gasped in shock as jrgp bolted towards her desk instantly before vaulting and sliding across the desk to land in her highly adjusted swivel chair. clicking and typing frantically with an almost god-like speed, jrgp was in his zone. sweat began running down and around the mounds of acne on his cheeks and forehead as he cleared problem after problem, negating any suspicions that the list of submission fetish pornography sites in her browser history were matrons doing rather than the viruses

Really, Clawbug?

Yes. He just tried to look cool without knowing what he did. Like he tries all the time in different threads. Cold reality is his fiercest enemy.

erm, who are we talking about again? Me or panzer?

[Warchild]

jrgp get's a lot of crap here which is too bad but this is hilarious either way. Sorry man.

[Graham]

jrgp get's a lot of crap here which is too bad but this is hilarious either way. Sorry man.

You might want to go wash the brown of your nose, it's getting noticeable.

[Splinter-Snake]

Wow, LOL. What exactly did jrgp do to get this, anyways? I want the prologue.

[jrgp]

Wow, LOL. What exactly did jrgp do to get this, anyways? I want the prologue.

I haven't done anything at all; I just guess the way I look and act has made myself some sort of hilarity icon in this part of the Soldat community.

[jettlarue]

Wow, LOL. What exactly did jrgp do to get this, anyways? I want the prologue.

I haven't done anything at all; I just guess the way I look and act has made myself some sort of hilarity icon in this part of the Soldat community.

I think it may have had something to do withhttp://forums.soldat.pl/index.php?topic=31661.msg376000#msg376000, but just a theory.--EDIT:jrgp informed me the timestamp is later than this was posted, sorry.

The story was quite eloquent I must say. It has touched me in a way that makes words unrecognizable; an amount of unfiltered emotion. It seems as though it has no human barriers, oh and btw jrgp, will you be mine?

[jrgp]

oh and btw jrgp, will you be mine?

Yes, love. And how could all this have to do with that post when most of this came before it?

[TBDM]

this is awesome, best thing posted in the lounge since a loooong time!

more!

[Espadon]

Hey, this is exactly the kinda thing that makes SF feel like before Flamchan&Co went down the shitter.

[Splinter-Snake]

I wish someone would piss me off, so I could have an excuse to write something like this and post it on here. Is that bad? 

[Clawbug]

jrgp, however, did not recognize these things. he was too busy recognizing that too familiar noise of a windows error being shot onto matrons computer screen. matron gasped in shock as jrgp bolted towards her desk instantly before vaulting and sliding across the desk to land in her highly adjusted swivel chair. clicking and typing frantically with an almost god-like speed, jrgp was in his zone. sweat began running down and around the mounds of acne on his cheeks and forehead as he cleared problem after problem, negating any suspicions that the list of submission fetish pornography sites in her browser history were matrons doing rather than the viruses

Really, Clawbug?

Yes. He just tried to look cool without knowing what he did. Like he tries all the time in different threads. Cold reality is his fiercest enemy.

erm, who are we talking about again? Me or panzer?

Not you, jrgp instead.

Honestly, everyone here knows the pizzaface, then in jrgp's reality everyone is like "Umg mr. Pizza, you look SO COOL! I wish I had skills like you do! You probably can crack into any computer anywhere anytime with the skills we surely respect! And the girls... leave some to us! Honestly!", more often than not, internet tells the truth. Bullied pizzaface who tells his fantasies as real life events, is the most accurate guess I could give.

I am not here to mock jrgp or Joe, but that's how I see it. For me it looks embarrassing as hell, trying to convince others something which is not true. If it was, there was no reason to try to convince over and over again. His mind is playing tricks. I ain't buying the "Me and the girls...while rest of the class was like 'OMG Joe ur so cool!'." stories(Post a pic with you and a girl holding "For Clawbug"-sign together and I believe you!).

But then again, it is not that black and white. He has served the community well and has not really done anything which he should be frowned for, except these few rather funny stories, true or not.

[Splinter-Snake]

jrgp, however, did not recognize these things. he was too busy recognizing that too familiar noise of a windows error being shot onto matrons computer screen. matron gasped in shock as jrgp bolted towards her desk instantly before vaulting and sliding across the desk to land in her highly adjusted swivel chair. clicking and typing frantically with an almost god-like speed, jrgp was in his zone. sweat began running down and around the mounds of acne on his cheeks and forehead as he cleared problem after problem, negating any suspicions that the list of submission fetish pornography sites in her browser history were matrons doing rather than the viruses

Really, Clawbug?

Yes. He just tried to look cool without knowing what he did. Like he tries all the time in different threads. Cold reality is his fiercest enemy.

erm, who are we talking about again? Me or panzer?

Not you, jrgp instead.

Honestly, everyone here knows the pizzaface, then in jrgp's reality everyone is like "Umg mr. Pizza, you look SO COOL! I wish I had skills like you do! You probably can crack into any computer anywhere anytime with the skills we surely respect! And the girls... leave some to us! Honestly!", more often than not, internet tells the truth. Bullied pizzaface who tells his fantasies as real life events, is the most accurate guess I could give.

I am not here to mock jrgp or Joe, but that's how I see it. For me it looks embarrassing as hell, trying to convince others something which is not true. If it was, there was no reason to try to convince over and over again. His mind is playing tricks. I ain't buying the "Me and the girls...while rest of the class was like 'OMG Joe ur so cool!'." stories(Post a pic with you and a girl holding "For Clawbug"-sign together and I believe you!).

But then again, it is not that black and white. He has served the community well and has not really done anything which he should be frowned for, except these few rather funny stories, true or not.

Call me an idiot, but what are you talking about?

[Smegma]

Hey Idiot! He's talking about jrgp's attitude and justifications when it comes to his social interactions and physical appearance.

[tehsnipah]

Damn! Panzer really done it this time. This story made me laugh for about thirty minutes: tears coming out, couldn't breath, and yeah, laughing!

Panzer, care to tell us when the 2nd one's coming?

[Splinter-Snake]

Hey Idiot! He's talking about jrgp's attitude and justifications when it comes to his social interactions and physical appearance.

Yeah, i thought so too, but jrgp asked who he was talking about, and Clawbug replied, "Not you, jrgp instead."

[Clawbug]

Hey Idiot! He's talking about jrgp's attitude and justifications when it comes to his social interactions and physical appearance.

Yeah, i thought so too, but jrgp asked who he was talking about, and Clawbug replied, "Not you, jrgp instead."

jrgp in the story.

[Blue-ninja]

jrgp's a sort of a macabre cult icon.

[Espadon]

Not you, jrgp instead.

Honestly, everyone here knows the pizzaface, then in jrgp's reality everyone is like "Umg mr. Pizza, you look SO COOL! I wish I had skills like you do! You probably can crack into any computer anywhere anytime with the skills we surely respect! And the girls... leave some to us! Honestly!", more often than not, internet tells the truth. Bullied pizzaface who tells his fantasies as real life events, is the most accurate guess I could give.

I am not here to mock jrgp or Joe, but that's how I see it. For me it looks embarrassing as hell, trying to convince others something which is not true. If it was, there was no reason to try to convince over and over again. His mind is playing tricks. I ain't buying the "Me and the girls...while rest of the class was like 'OMG Joe ur so cool!'." stories(Post a pic with you and a girl holding "For Clawbug"-sign together and I believe you!).

How can you demand proof from jrgp yet rely completely on conjectures in the first place?

[Kazuki]

Based on this, it seems rather silly that Shaggy is bashing jrgp.

All in all, I'm fond of jrgp; I don't appreciate all of you [sarcasm]awesome, popular men[/sarcasm] putting him down as you are. I'm talking generally here. I know that PanzerFeline's story was all in good fun. It's people like Clawbug that I'm talking about.

How can you demand proof from jrgp yet rely completely on conjectures in the first place?

He's been heavily influenced by the American justice system. >_>;;

[echo_trail]

I agree. it's getting old and frankly, I'm bored with it.

[Demonic]

Clawbug: the kid's fifteen. Don't over-dimension shit.

Like how you might've thought the emo girl blackmailing him was hot... turns out she was a fat ugly dyke. That does change the output of the story significantly doesn't it?

[Espadon]

Lol mod train. Sorry I just had to note this. Screencap now, for great justice.

edit: yes I know it's noob.

[.Long-Range]

i have nothing against jrgp at all but that story was hilarious.

[PANZERCATWAGON]

sniper, probably around christmas, cause im a boring s**t and i dont do anything on christmas day

itll be like a christmas present from me to you lot

[tehsnipah]

Hurray for Santa cat!!! Shall I get you a can of tuna for a return?

[Clawbug]

Beloved SoldatForums' mods, CHARGE!

I guess the fat pizzaface girl just reported my post. :O

[Slashnoob]

Thats a long time spent writing a story about Mr. jrgp.

the story made me lol, but this made me laugh out loud.

[Mangled*]

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

[jrgp]

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

lol. has this gone on long enough or what?

[Brock]

I don't even think we're laughing AT you.  It's just an awesomely funny story...

actually...  some are probably laughing at you. 

[{LAW} Gamer_2k4]

I don't even think we're laughing AT you.  It's just an awesomely funny story...

I know I wasn't laughing at you personally.  Panzer could've put someone else's name in there and it would have read exactly the same way.  It's just a funny story that uses exaggeration and hyperbole as its humor sources.