Life Stories from a Douchebag

[miles moses]

BEFORE ANYTHING
I like to tell to tell stories and they're not always clean.
I'm spinning my stories here for three reasons:
1. I don't know any of you and I don't like shocking my friends with messed up stuff because it's 100% true (take it or leave it).
2. I used to come here regularly and I remember you guys used to enjoy a good story.
3. I've been told by writers to NEVER EVER submit stories to writing forums because they steal your stuff like nothing.

IT IS YOUR CHOICE TO READ THIS SO DON'T GET SORE AT ME IF YOU GET OFFENDED.


















THE ANAL STORY

This happened in 2007 some time in November towards the end of Schoolies week on the Goldcoast in Queensland Australia. I was there for a week, staying in a beachside unit (that cost WAY too much money) with four of my stupid friends. At the time you think it's awesome but now I feel like a total tool for wasting that much money... it cost us $600 EACH to stay in that godforsaken place for only one week, not including food or drinks. All you need to know is that on Schoolies week, all accomodation gets jacked up something vicious because 99% of the units get destroyed by asshole gatecrashers.

So anyway, it was halfway through the week and we were doing what we did for the last three nights: get s**tfaced and go down to Caville Avenue for the Schoolies events (basically dance parties and f**king around with friends). The night before, we made good friends with the chicks in the unit beside ours and our plan for that night was that we were going to take them out to Caville and try and get into their pants. The girls in unit 1011 were total babes, bar the typical group fatty (the one they keep around to make themselves look skinnier and hotter {IT WORKS}).
There were seven girls in the unit next to us;
The fatty: I never got her name because I can't speak whale.
Nikea: A total babe, sunbleached blonde hair, dressed like a total skag.
Amelia: She was 2 metres tall, had massive jubblies (she looked like a telegraph pole with basketballs taped to it... and was just as dumb).
The triplets: I s**t you not, there were triplets in that unit, but only two of them looked alike: skinny hot bodies, but weird monkey faces (99% of multiple birth babies have defects like that, but it's mainly in the face). But the third sister was a total weapon with a pornstar body.
And then there was Laura... the chick I was trying to hit it off with- her boyfriend had only just dumped her the night before and she rocked up at our unit crying which made me go all softcock and I ended up talking with her about how boys are stupid until 4am. She was really hot and vulnerable.

I know I'm waffling like nothing so bear with me and I'll fastforward a few hours.
so we all get trashed and head off to Caville and things are going pretty good. I've separated Laura and me so we're about ten metres behind the rest of the group, with us holding hands and we're laughing at my friends cockblocking eachother trying to impress Amelia and the not-monkeyfaced triplet, when suddenly, Laura drops the bomb:
"My fat whale friend really likes you."
I sort of seize up for a second and slur out,
"Really?"
She squeezes my hand a little.
"Yeah, she asked me to talk to you because she's too shy to break the ice,"
While she's talking, I turn my eyes away from her and look at Whale-woman waddling along in tiny denim shorts two sizes to small for her, totally eclipsed by her massive thighs rubbing together. Suddenly, I get a boner feeling of dread...
"and she really wants to dance with you when we get to the danceparty." continues Laura.


Oh god. I'd been friendzoned.

All of a sudden I knew where I went wrong: I should have been a total asshole when she came running to be about her boyfriend dumping after he admitted to banging some random chick on the beach ("It was an accident!"). I knew I had to get my priorities straight and I had to act fast. As soon as we got into Caville, I peeled off from Laura and walked straight up to Fatty-boomba, took her hand and led her into the crowd gathered around the stage, right towards the front, near the DJ where we started dancing. She was doing the typical fat-people dance: Not bouncing to the beat , but sort of shifting her weight from one leg to the other, so she doesn't jiggle too much. So we dance for about five minutes and I lean in to her ear and yell that I'm going to duck out and go to the toilet and that I'd be back in a minute.

I f**king legged it.

At that exact moment I felt a huge asshole, but I knew I wouldn't be going back there... so I did the next best thing: I started walking to McDonalds to get some chicken nuggets. As I'm walking to McDonald's something catches my eye. About thrity metres away from me, there was a guy dressed as a massive dick, giving out flyers. I was there in a second. I grabbed a flyer from him and slurred, "what are these for?"
"They're discount vouchers for Condom Kingdom! It's an adult novelty shop not even a hundred metres that way!" he said as he pointed down the street.
I decided it would be fun to buy a dildo to stick up my ass to hit my friends with later, so I made my way down there. The shop was AWESOME! Everything was shaped like a dick somehow. There were drink bottles, shirts, rings, handcuffs and costumes, but the thing that interested me the most were the penis guns. They were shaped like a 7inch dildo, but if you squeezed the nutsack, the shaft would shoot off. Of course I had to play with it. I put the shaft on the balls, aimed at some lingerie and squeezed those balls as hard as I could! The shaft shot off at such force, it deflected off the coat hanger and hit a girl in the face. I froze like a deer in headlights, waiting for her to go apes**t and get me kicked out of the best shop I'd ever been in (I found out the other day there's another Condom kingdom not even 200m away from that one).
But it didn't happen.
She started laughing. Like doubled over laughing. There were tears coming out of her eyes and everything. After what seemed like half an hour, she picked up the shaft, walked over to me and said, "You haven't even taken me out to dinner yet!"
"Uhhhhhh yeah sorry." I stuttered, waiting to get punched in the face at any moment and wondering why such a hot chick would be cool with getting hit in the face with a plastic cock by a total stranger. She was a little shorter than me with at my estimate of some B cup cleavage held up with a pink bra that was poking out under a black tank top. She was wearing dark denim cut off shorts and a pair of thongs/flip flops and her toenails were painted black. Her hair was a deep dark brown, which matched her sexy hazel eyes that had way too much mascara around them, topped off with two lip piercings on one side. Overall, she was dressed pretty emo/scenish, but she didn't act all f**ktarded like those fools usually do. We talked for a while (mainly her talking and me stuttering "Yeah" and "Uh huh") and after she bought her stuff (THIS IS IMPORTANT REMEMBER THIS) and we went and got a coffee. After a while I find out her name is Lucy and we really hit it off and she suggests we go back to her unit for a 'drink'.
I'll spare the details, but we get back to her unit, this pissy 1 bedroom unit, and we both fall down on her bed (the fold out couch in the living room) and start getting jiggy with it, when she randomly says, "I was hoping we could try something different."
I didn't know what the hell she was on about.
"Uh, we haven't even done anything yet."
She makes this weird giggly sound and says, "Look in the bag."
I roll over and feel around for the bag she dropped next to the bed, feel through it and pull out a large rounded cylinder.
"What's this?" I whisper (THAT IS NOT GOING IN MY ASS!).
"Glow in the dark lubricant... want to give it a go?
"...Give what a go?"
"Are you serious?" she says sarcastically.
And then it hit me!
"FUCK YES!"




IT GETS DIRTY NOW BUT YOU'LL READ IT ANYWAY!
So she bends over and sticks her ass up in the air at me and I just sort of sit there, not sure what to do. I've masturbated had sex before, but this was a whole new playing field. Do I need to stick fingers into her ass to stretch it out? Do I just ram it in? Wait, won't that hurt ME if I do that? I thought it would ruin the moment if I asked her if her ass was clean, so I grabbed my pants and pulled the condom I kept in my wallet out, opened it, stretched it over my handand covered it in lube and dug in. After who-knows-how-long, I was able to get three fingers in and I thought it was time to dig in, but she said she needed more lube. I had no idea how much to use, so I held her ass open with one hand, and used the other to squeeze as much lube as I could from the tube into her ass until it was overflowing.
I was angling myself up to dig in but a single, solitary thought stopped me.

I don't have a condom on.

I used the only one I had to stretch her ass out.
"Errrrrr...." I murmured.
"What? Why haven't you stuck it in yet?" she huffs out in a husky voice.
"I don't have a condom."
"What?"
"I don't have a condom."
"What?"
"I don't have a condom."
"OH! That's okay. I don't have anything... what about you?"
"...no."
"Then we're fine. The only thing you can get from ass sex is AIDS anyway. Just do it already!"

I've got my 14 inch italian man meat decent 7 incher lined up at her ass and I'm facing a dilemma. Do I stick it in her ass and possible contract some weird disease that will make my pecker drop off, or do I walk away and possibly regret this for the rest of my life? I didn't get to make that choice because she pushed back against the bed's headboard, forcing my back against the wall and my willy wagtail into her garbage chute right up to the hilt. As soon as her back chute was penetrated, I got hit in the face by some sort of thick, warm liquid.
Did I really just spooge that quickly? I was ready to cry until I realised it was lube that had been rapidly displaced from her ass. I thought, Oh well, I guess I have AIDS, I might as well enjoy it and started pumping.

Not to make this story too dirty (as if it isn't enough already), I boned her in the ass for a while. It was as tight as hell, I'd recommend it to anyone.
As I was finishing in her ass, I felt a breeze on my balls and suddenly I was blinded. And then deafened.
Her 2 friends had come into the unit, turned on the living room light and got a bird's eye view of my backside bent over Lucy's with my junk shoved into her pooper chute. I would have screamed as well.
SLAM! They shut the door and yell, "We'll come back in a while."
I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. Since any thought we had of swapping phone numbers or falling in love and getting married had just disappeared, we both had quick showers, got cleaned up and sat down to have that drink she was talking about in awkward silence. Ten minutes later there's a knock on the door Lucy opens the door and lets them in and I feel like crying. THese two girls made Lucy look like s**t in terms of hotness not even half an hour ago they saw me at probably the most exposed I'd ever been (at that time... If I don't get banned for this story I might even tell you guys another).
So we all sit there awkwardly sipping drinks and avoiding eye contact with two total vixens and a girl I just boned in the ass at 3am and I'm over it. I just want to get out of there and go get my junk checked for AIDS.
MILES: "I'm going to head out again, what are you guys doing?"
BABE#1: "We were going to get something to eat."
BABE#2: "McDonald's?"
LUCY:  "LETS HAVE A FOURSOME Yeah, let's head down.
They all get their s**t together and walk out into the hallway near the elevator/lift and I'm the last one out. I turn around and flick the lights off and almost s**t myself. Half of the room is radioactive green.
When I slammed into her ass, all the lube must have gone everywhere! It was all over the walls, the carpet next to the bed... there were even flecks of lube on the ceiling! The bed looked some sort of abstract art piece- you could see every position we'd been in, not to mention the handmarks on the walls and headboard. I didn't know what to do, so I quickly turned around, locked the front door and went to wait in the hallway with them for the lift, all while trying to keep a straight face. Long story short, as soon as we got near Caville (near McDonalds) and said a quick goodbye to Lucy and then I headed off back to my unit. As much of a babe as she was, I really don't think either of us wanted to see eachother again after that.

So at 3:30am, I made my long trek back to my unit, about a kilometre away from Caville Avenue. But something was different. As I walked back to my unit, people were highfiving me and saying s**t like, "Nice work man!"
Was I emitting confidence or do you automatically become cooler after porking a girl in the ass? How do people even know?
I couldn't figure it out until I got home and looked in the bathroom mirror.

There were glow in the dark asscheek marks on the bottom of my shirt and hand marks on my shoulders.

MORAL OF THE STORY: NEVER f**k A GIRL IN THE ASS WHILE WEARING A SHIRT OR USE GLOW IN THE DARK LUBE and always pack a spare condom.

[Hair|Trigger]

Important life lesson.

[Rai-Dei]

I think I've seen this before or at least the lube part. Good read.

[Smegma]

I think I've seen this before or at least the lube part. Good read.

Thats because captain ben wrote that part. Except it was something to do with his girlfriend and his parents.

[TBDM]

PIITB win. *highfives*

[croat1gamer]

ill write this down, for the future, and for fun

[PANZERCATWAGON]

so before i assume that miles moses is captain ben im going to assume that miles moses is captain ben

[Wormdundee]

We already knew that I thought?

And I really don't know if this is a true or not. It sounds extremely similar to a Tucker Max story. But what the hell, it was still funny.

[PANZERCATWAGON]

We already knew that I thought?

does it look like i ever pay attention

[Pie]

Funny as, Nice read haha.

[Hair|Trigger]

hey by the way, was this near Surfer's paradise?  I think I know which adult shop you're talking about (I saw one condom kingdom near Infinity Maze)

[iDante]

Good read!


...lol.

[miles moses]

I realised that as I was writing it down, it does sound alot like Tucker Max's story, so I tried my best to put my own spin on it. Caville Ave. is in the thick of Surfer's Paradise, and it is close to Infinity... I got a black eye in there on the last night of schoolies.

Can someone link me to Captain Ben's story?

[Hair|Trigger]

Caville Ave. is in the thick of Surfer's Paradise, and it is close to Infinity... I got a black eye in there on the last night of schoolies.

heh, I went there in 2007 schoolies week (for the maze, I haven't been to schoolies)

Captain Ben's version: http://forums.soldat.pl/index.php?topic=26182.0

[LtKillroy]

That was funny.

[koingnegsegg]

I guess most times people use glow in the dark lube it give you ass prints. Just a coincidence?

[a fool]

That's another reason why I keep saying to never f**k a girl the ass..
Nice story though, enjoyed reading

[jrgp]

A very funny and educational read. Although long ago, I decided I'd never do a girl in the ass in the first place. I just find it weird as hell, especially since you get covered in crap and impede her ability to hold shit in. A lose-lose situation, even with the hour or so of pleasure you'll probably end up regretting anyway.

Still, I enjoyed the story. I doubt you're banned, so post more. If you are in fact banned and are reading this, joe@u13.net.

[Mistercharles]

buttsex is a no-no. the solution— the 71.

[Lt. Sprizz]

That was pretty good. Post more