so there i was right

[Lord Frunkamunch]

Now? something along the lines of "jesus fuck kill it with fire"

[peemonkey]

You know what? fuck you people. you can all go to hell.

[100% not captain ben]

BUTT HURT ALERT

[Stuffy]

omg this thread is fucking weird.

[Blacksheepboy]

You know what? f**k you people. you can all go to hell.

wut. where'd this guy come from. just drive-by "lawlhate"

[100% not captain ben]

so anyway back when i was 12 i made out with this cute little jew girl in another country

but 7 years later she had turned into a massive s**t and called me up to f**k when she found out i lived across the river from her in brisbane [turns out she moved there as well- i really don't give a s**t yo] she was also really drunk and screaming into the phone COME TO MY PLACE AND f**k ME
so of course i was all like yes please
anyway i was s**tfaced playing playstation with my buddy and ditched him at mine and caught a ferry across the river but when i got across i REALLY HAD TO s**t YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND and ran to the public toilets and let out one of those disgusting liquid machine gun ones that hit the water really hard and splash it back all over your ass and balls. not really relevant but i thought you all would like to know.

so i catch a taxi the rest of the way and she won't stop texting me and calling screaming HURRY UP AND GET HERE I'M SOP f**kING WET and the taxi is laughing and tells me 'to give her your best'. i finally get there and she runs out and starts making out with me... i was pretty relieved because i hadn't seen her in years and she was actually pretty hot [she was still jewish but what can i do about that?]. she introduced me to her flatmates and showed how free love she was by making out with them and then we went to her room
THEY WERE ALL GIRLS I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT

it was pretty good to start off with and she even enjoyed my foreplay of pouring vodka onto her vagina but halfway through the act she started saying s**t like 'i've always loved you ever since you gave me my first kiss' and asking me how my mum was doing WHILE I HAD MY PENIS IN HER MONEYMAKER and it was getting a little weird and i kind of wanted to get the f**k out of there because she started talking about her family.
while this was going on she was on her hands and knees and i thought it would be funny to pull at little joke on her and poke her in the asshole with my dick while making a kazoo sound but she screamed and jumped forward and smashed her head on the wall, spewed down the side between the bed and the wall and passed out.

i wasn't sure if she was faking so i made sure by flicking her clit a few times and she didn't react so i put her into the recovery position [i'm not a total monster].
i was going to get the f**k out of there but then i looked around the room and saw she had heaps of random s**t hanging off the walls and it was just too good to pass up... i grabbed the sombrero hanging off the wall, put it on her head and drew a mustache on with a sharpie and took pictures with my phone to send to my friends

anyway after turkey slapping her a few times i left at like 4 in the morning and stumbled across the bridge to get home and for the next 2 weeks she sent me death threats and said she had a gang and was going to kill me. after a while it got boring and i sent her a picture of her naked with a mustache and retarded mexican hat on her face with my dick sitting on her cheek and i haven't heard back from her since

and H-H-H-HOLY f**k THAT TOOK AGES TO TYPE

[DarkCrusade]

Cool story bro

[100% not captain ben]

thanks bro

[demoniac93]

Wow, you're the definition of a good troll; Sir, I applaud you.

Lord Frunkamunch: Yeah, predictable reaction

[{LAW} Gamer_2k4]

PANZER YOUR TALES OF JGRP ARE BEING OVERSHADOWED BY THIS NEW BARD

[Laser Guy]

Fuck, I couldn't stop laughing... :X

[Atticus]

Either way this story made me laugh out laod

[100% not captain ben]

i just got back from a couple of days at the gold coast and YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED
when we first got into the hotel i stole neville's lighter and made it so the flame was HUGE... with most $1 lighters you can take the top off and twist a little part of the lighter which makes it release more gas so the flame is bigger [science lesson over]
it's a really awesome way to f**k with people because they jump back when the f**k off huge flame comes out
so me and my stupid buddies decided to get trashed and head out into the bars on caville avenue and trawl for some gash

it wasn't going good

i tried to pick up a chick by going 'hey baby, you ever heard of greek style' but slapped me after she asked me to explain what it was and we all got thrown out for sack whacking eachother on the dancefloor
we hit this club called shooters after that and i got talking to this pretty cute emo girl that had these weird ass dreadlocks. because she had dreadlocks i pretty much offered for her to come back to the hotel and get stoned- she took the bait and said, "i get so horny when i get blazed" so right away i knew she was a wh*** and made sure to buy condoms on the way back.

SO WE GET BACK TO THE HOTEL and i do the gentlemanly s**t like make her a drink and crack out the bong. she asked for a lighter and being the gentleman i am, i gave her the one from my pocket.
she sits down outside and takes a deep breath and just as she lights the bowl FLAME EXPLODES ALL OVER HER FACE she dropped the lighter and the bong and screamed WHAT THE f**k WAS THAT

oh s**t
what
holy f**k

it was the lighter i was messing with before burned off her eyebrows and half of her fugly dreadlock fringe... she just kind of sat there for a couple of second and i lost my s**t and started laughing while she jumped up and ran into the bathroom and started screaming like a banshee getting fisted saying s**t like WHAT THE f**k YOU f**kING c**t WHY THE f**k WOULD YOU DO THAT YOU f**kING ASSHOLE

i couldn't stop laughing and was on the floor and she looks out and goes ITS NOT f**kING FUNNY which *of course* made me laugh harder so she f**king dived on me and full open palm slapped me on the balls and started trying to scratch at my face. i was fearing for my life so i pushed her off and jumped over the bed but i tripped on the corner and fell on my face AND ALL OF A SUDDEN the worst most blinding pain ever was in the middle of my back
i turn around and no joke she whipped me with the power cord from the iron [it wasn't hot thank god]

i decided by then s**t had just got real and she wasn't going to chill out and have her way with me so i grabbed the bathrobe on the floor that matt used as a towel,jumped on her and wrapped her head and the top half of her body in it and held on to her until she stopped struggling like she was being raped. once she tired out i held the robe on her and ripped the iron out of her hands and grabbed her bag and dragged her out of the room

by now i was like holy s**t i look like a rapist what do i do [she was screaming the WHOLE TIME THIS ALL HAPPENED]
i dragged her to the lift and pushed the button and as soon as the door opened i pushed the ground button and shoved her into the lift so she fell into the wall at the other side- she fell over and kind of flopped around for a couple of seconds and starte flailing and trying to get the robe off but the doors closed

i had my fingers crossed that she didn't remember the room number or even what floor i was on and nothing happened after that so i got stoned, beat off in the shower and played gears of war while i waited for my friends to come back


two hours later i got my ass kicked by neville after he lost half of his fringe from the same lighter

[jrgp]

Sucks you couldn't have banged her.

[100% not captain ben]

i was a little disappointed

[DarkCrusade]

Sure

[demoniac93]

cute emo girl that had these weird ass dreadlocks.

End of story.

[{LAW} Gamer_2k4]

screaming like a banshee getting fisted

Now THAT'S an analogy.

[peemonkey]

I rape.

[Old Valiken]

i smashed it into a bmw murcilago or something. so we...

Lamborghini makes Murcielagos, not BMW.
Anyways, nicely done.  You've managed to make this guy a felon, and now he'll never be able to go anywhere with his life.  He's probably going to remain poor for his entire life until he dies from eating a parasitic cheeseburger he found out of a trash bin at age 41.  As for the girl, I'm surprised ALL of you didn't get arrested for letting a 17 year old drink alcohol.  Also I am surprised that the police didn't inspect the joint a little better and find YOUR DNA on it.  Finally, you're an idiot for telling us that.  That's all I have to say on the subject.