Poem/song

[LeetFidle]

This is about myself, things im going through.

"This house is caving in
the house i built inside you.
the trees are growing through the windows
When the walls wither away, the roof will follow.

in summer you were invincible
not one thing could touch you.
but then winter came
then it looked like your heart fell through.

You said, You were sick of all this loneliness
with noone to call your own
no longer afraid to die.
No place to call a home.

Another road will wash away the pain.
but soon, bandages will no longer be enough.
as my blood drips like a steady train.
Leaving only to get away.

These walls, weak, no longer can hold their weight
You were gone, before the wind made it its own.


and in a week, all was gone, just an empty lot.
only a mound in the dirt.
where a house once stood,
with a gravestone that says, "without care, a heart will rot."

[MattH]

Welp...
Its far better then anything that foxconn ever came up with, but as a rule of thumb, these threads almost always die because of horrible trollish injustice, and liverwurst, with a dose of flamewar, only to be stopped in the end by divine admin intervention.

[Monsteri]

Poor guy -good poem.

[{LAW} Gamer_2k4]

horrible trollish injustice

You asked; I'll answer the call.

The main problem I have with this is that unless there's something that I'm missing, this is neither a poem nor a song.  There's no consistent rhyming or meter, so it's not a poem.  There's no music, so it's not a song.  This is just you structuring your thoughts into stanzas.

That said, I like your use of a collapsing house as an analogy, but you kind of lose track of it in the middle of the poem.  The second stanza might be better if you continued the comparison, saying that while that house stood strong in the summer, the winter blizzards weakened and damaged it.  The third one, while important for the message, doesn't have any real link to the rest of the piece.  Similarly, the fourth stanza is also poorly executed.  How can a road wash something? If that other road is truly the solution, why are things still getting worse? How can something drip like a train?

I do like the "leaving only to get away" line, and the piece finishes reasonably well, at least in concept.  And, despite the house analogy drifting away, leaving no clear theme in the middle, it returns at the end to make a nice bookend with the beginning. 

In short, decent thoughts, but poor execution.  I think if you rework the sections I mentioned, you'll end up with something much better: Something that flows well, has a common theme, speaks a message, and is actually a poem.

[Horve]

This is about myself, things im going through.

"This house is caving in
the house i built inside you.
the trees are growing through the windows
When the walls wither away, the roof will follow.

in summer you were invincible
not one thing could touch you.
but then winter came
then it looked like your heart fell through.

You said, You were sick of all this loneliness
with noone to call your own
no longer afraid to die.
No place to call a home.

Another road will wash away the pain.
but soon, bandages will no longer be enough.
as my blood drips like a steady train.
Leaving only to get away.

These walls, weak, no longer can hold their weight
You were gone, before the wind made it its own.


and in a week, all was gone, just an empty lot.
only a mound in the dirt.
where a house once stood,
with a gravestone that says, "without care, a heart will rot."

[{LAW} Gamer_2k4]

Horve, can you elaborate a bit? I have a counterpoint to what I think you're trying to say, but I don't want to attack any straw men.

[PANZERCATWAGON]

the mirror speaks though it does not talk
as you stare into and you are certain
you cant help wonder its not your fault
perhaps it is but thats the point
of this uncertainty you are certain
perhaps or maybe not
you are lost in the house of mirrors
the glass stares without thought
stares and stares
certainly

[LeetFidle]

horrible trollish injustice

You asked; I'll answer the call.

Thank you, i appreciate the constructive crit you gave, i have never been a writer and i want to take up folk song making as its what i listen to most days. just trying to practice, and looking for opinions if i should keep it up.

[Veritas]

Here's a handy algorithm for posting artistic work on the internet.

Step 1. Count how many works you've finished, proofed, revised, and felt were completed successfully.
Step 2. If that number less than 50, wait some time and then go back to Step 1.
Step 3. why are you posting this on soldatforums

[LeetFidle]

Because i dont care if someone has bad judgment on here.