Author Topic: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]  (Read 14622 times)

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Offline Demonic

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so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« on: August 13, 2012, 01:04:29 pm »
Top of the mornin' to you fucks.


I'm Demonic, your friendly neighbourhood retired forum admin. I'm unsure how many of you still recognize the name (besides jrgp, but he's practically a relic at this point... and to think he was a n00b once). So to sum it up, I played Soldat from 2003/4 until 2008. I made a movie once and have a couple of default maps. I vaguely remember fucking up the weapon balance for one version.


Either way, I have a good hour and a half to waste before meeting a lovely lady who doubles as my therapist, and since I've already knocked down three-four beers after work, here's some shiznit for ya. With pictures. AND LOVE!



that's me, in my room, with my cat Marx, and my favourite vice.


so. to recap a long story short, I used to be this guy:





like the great many who are addicted to vidya, I was always 'mature for my age'. turns out that's just a fancy phrase for being socially retarded, sheltered and troubled.


I mean, when your mom dies, you take comfort with your friends.


I messaged a guy named 'knot' on MSN. He was a soldat-friend.


(And he disappeared sometime after alexoner photoshopped his sister's pictures with a dick in her mouth, which wasn't that funny considering the chick was making a living out of modelling... but I digress).


So the years pass, as they do. You do some laps, make yer mistakes (I became a nazi for example), and then shit sorts itself out. You get an ugly girlfriend or two, you fall in love, you have your heart broken.



You don't give up on trying to fish acclaim from strangers on the internet though.


And then you break some too. Not just yet, not so fast, and not because you're a malovelent bastard... it's just that you're trying to be so fucking perfect all the time, you fear failure, you fear owning up to your mistakes so much that you don't even dare make any.


So you bail early, and when things irrevocably turn for the worst, it dawns upon you that the issue might not be with a global conspiracy to make your life worse, and it's not that people are bad... it's you.


And nazism turns out to be a passing trend. Like emo.


But nobody really prepared us for dubstep, did they?


You seek community. The same feeling you once known amidst of anonymous strangers on the internet, with the flavour of genuine human interaction. And man, you're thirsty, it's not even thirst, it's straight up fucking 'lost in the sahara' dehydration, you'll take a drop of water from whoever. Some, you'll learn to regret. Some, like Soldat, in due time you will out grow. And some sticks in your mind like a splinter, forever unremovable.


So I started working for a hardcore webzine, and joined the local improv-everywhere. Look no further for social interaction without the actual chance of getting laid then these two.


Or so I thought.



There are two soldat players in this picture. Yours truly in the ugly hoodie on the far right.


And you shave your head. A few times.


You're going to be bald sooner or later anyway. Do yourself a favour, and don't shave it preemptively.


Ever wondered what would happen if everyone you've ever loved vanished? Ever wondered what happens when the distance between you and your friends becomes an interstellar space? Ever feel the frustration of having nobody to blame, just being left alone, at the mercy of circumstance? Ever want to break down and cry, only to have every shoulder so-far-ever present having a list of priorities which you will never make?



My ex-high school class. None of us finished college or university. Several of them don't live in the country anymore. The rest of us don't really talk either.


Depression is always portrayed in the media as if the curtain just suddenly drops, unexpected. The cruel reality of it is pararrel to a rowdy night: it all starts clear and okay, and the next thing you know you're lost somewhere dark with nobody to turn to.


Everyone tackles it differently. For those who want to drown in apathy, there's weed. For the people who forever fear being stranded and alone with their thoughts, there's a wide array of designer drugs and parties catering especially for them.


After a broken heart, a drop out of college and nothing but a small room at my dad's with a hateful stepmom and a shitty myspace, I turned to the bottle. In this country, if you're broke and sad, the dive-bar is your best friend.


You flatten as a person, and the feeling pans out, seemingly stretching into forever. The diseases of the mind are the same as of the body in the sense that everything is overshadowed by the dreaded feeling that this is here to stay, this is permanent.


But it turns out the more you pull your head out of your ass, the less distant other people become, and the sooner those chokepoints of the past become meaningless lights in the dark. Time is a highway, and the present is the car you're sitting in. You just need to step on the gas.



Living upside down has become quite the literal picture for me over time.


You find friends in the unexpected, while simultaneously re-evaluating your friendships so far. The anonymous quote of having kinship with some and history with others will ring true forever. Some speak without uttering a word in a language you find oh so familiar, while others speak in words that you know too well but could never relate to again.


Awkwardness begins to crystallize as what it really is, and it becomes less of an object of a false sense of superiority over the plebs... but rather the distant mile which you learn to walk. New doors and windows open wide as you walk down a corridor which is only darkened by your fears and ever-present feeling of inadequacy.


Now, at this point, Disney would have you believe that you fall in love again.


Unfortunately, I'm not a character conjured by fat execs in L.A. I'm a deeply damaged person, who first had the misfortune of becoming a PUA.


(Then I did fall in love, but that's a whole different story of abuse and psychological torture for all parties involved).


If you haven't heard of this wonderful sham, which serves to pander to the forever alone 'over analyzing every detail of every conversation' people, here's a wikipedia link.


To cut a long story short, even if you're sharper than the average tool, this is not the best available option to self-medicate. I'd personally recommend Taoism, starting with the Tao of Pooh.


In the meanwhile, let it be known that if you have a wonderful, loving, beautiful girlfriend, who you ditch and claim that your overwhelming jealousy issues will be fixed by PUA...


...you're gonna have a bad time.


Oh, you'll fuck three football team worth of women with the substitutes and misc. staff, but still, it's gonna hurt.


Her especially.



Getting drunk helps a fuckload though.


So the fucked up thing about PUA... is that for every toll it takes. It works. Rejection? Nigga, I've been rejected... I've gotten slapped, I've gotten threatened by guys, I've gotten told to fuck off, hell I had a girl throw up after talking to me.


But designate yourself to a task, and it will work. I've designated myself to Soldat and in two years I was running a good portion of the community... once I assigned myself to PUA, two years later I'm holding a seminar for the Hungarian acolytes.


Odd shit? Odd shit.



In the meanwhile you take up a personality. You grow to be an image you aspire. In ethics and aesthetics.


Or Skins. Man, it's much more fun on TV than living it...


...speaking of which:





Or remember when I mentioned meeting people in the weirdest places?



Sometimes the people you get close enough to give an arm and a leg come from the weirdest places... 's my current roommate. The mohawks. Checkem.



that's n00bface on the right... and a hungarian pop-star in the middle. besides this picture we only have slight recognition of this night.


This post is getting long enough, and it's only at 'what happened until 2011'... I'll cut it short, so here's the take away;


It gets better. You won't. But it ain't worth no sweat.


You can't catch me not smiling. Bittersweet is a good taste to have in your mouth. You'll learn love, friendship, you'll get enemies and you'll learn to fight to tooth and nail... and you'll get lost and the end is never the end, but a bigger punch you get to recover from with more ferocity than you have ever imagined previously.



some party in my apartment... I think I've screwed all the women present on the picture, but they're blurred so idk who was there.


so yeah, that's that. I'm thinking of reinstalling soldat for a few gathers, or to write the last couple of years in detail. Wherever hardcore takes me.


Where does it take you?

Offline Ymies

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2012, 05:13:20 pm »
awesome read man. soldat has always been quite a chunk of my life although i rarely allow it to blend in with the reality part of it. there are certain things i regret in this virtual life of mine and one of the greatest regrets is allowing SaD to abandon you. i still think of it every now and then when i do soldat-related stuff, i'm not quite sure anymore what my role was in all that but i guess the clan was at a critical point of what-the-hell-are-we-doing. you always struck to me as one of the really smart guys who happened to pass by, leaving myself forever ponder the impact on your life by the good people on the internet. i've made a lot of friends during my time here but each and every one of them are different and the ease of actually finding these people is a significant chance of learing about yourself and life itself, no matter how trivial some people consider their gaming hobbies

what can i say, i feel like my e-life is a lot like your reality. i've met and left behind tons of people, i've felt retarded, i've felt double retarded and as i've lately thought a lot about my past i can finally see how long it actually took for me to grow up, both as an internet person as a real human. i don't feel that i was mature for my age back in the day but now i do, it kind of only took for me to realize that being a nerd is in no way a bad thing, if anything it's a cultural advantage. you just need to be able to judge for yourself who to listen

i've spent so much time in the community of soldat that all my acquaintances of old actually drive me this emotional. i like it though, being able to feel about people you're never going to meet reminds you about being human

i feel like writing more but i've never been that gifted at the pen. i just wish i could have this feeling more often, but most of the people of the past are never coming back

p.s. i never knew you had a nazi phase


Offline porquilho

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2012, 05:52:33 pm »
What is with this picking up women subculture that you identify yourself.
I think it's despicable.

Offline croat1gamer

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2012, 03:11:08 am »
Heh, im not sure if i know a more interesting person from the internet than you.
Its actually amazing when you watch stuff like this in retrospect and thing that have changed- you, others, everything.


Just wondering, where will you be somewhere around the 30th this month?
Going on a trip with a dozen of friends and we'll stop for a day or two in Budapest, and fuck me if i miss a chance to meet you in person.
Last year, I dreamt I was pissing at a restroom, but I missed the urinal and my penis exploded.

Offline homerofgods

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2012, 05:00:17 am »
You write really well. It was interresting to read about your wild life, since my life is nothing of that kind.

Offline Demonic

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2012, 09:26:14 am »
awesome read man. soldat has always been quite a chunk of my life although i rarely allow it to blend in with the reality part of it. there are certain things i regret in this virtual life of mine and one of the greatest regrets is allowing SaD to abandon you. i still think of it every now and then when i do soldat-related stuff, i'm not quite sure anymore what my role was in all that but i guess the clan was at a critical point of what-the-hell-are-we-doing. you always struck to me as one of the really smart guys who happened to pass by, leaving myself forever ponder the impact on your life by the good people on the internet. i've made a lot of friends during my time here but each and every one of them are different and the ease of actually finding these people is a significant chance of learing about yourself and life itself, no matter how trivial some people consider their gaming hobbies

what can i say, i feel like my e-life is a lot like your reality. i've met and left behind tons of people, i've felt retarded, i've felt double retarded and as i've lately thought a lot about my past i can finally see how long it actually took for me to grow up, both as an internet person as a real human. i don't feel that i was mature for my age back in the day but now i do, it kind of only took for me to realize that being a nerd is in no way a bad thing, if anything it's a cultural advantage. you just need to be able to judge for yourself who to listen

i've spent so much time in the community of soldat that all my acquaintances of old actually drive me this emotional. i like it though, being able to feel about people you're never going to meet reminds you about being human

i feel like writing more but i've never been that gifted at the pen. i just wish i could have this feeling more often, but most of the people of the past are never coming back

p.s. i never knew you had a nazi phase



Oh man. #sad.private was the most fun I had as a kid. Fragbait recounting how he broke his dick...

All the wars, the clan drama. Hell, I think we had clans instead of girlfriends. It was serious shit! Clanhoppers... and how we wondered how the fuck could Sneaky be playing in both an american and a european clan at the same time. I'm having a whole load of feels.

Soldat. Soldat soldat.

Oh Ymie you had me so fooled. The great and old Ymie, who I figured was laconic because he thought the horseplay was immature!

Like Soldat radio. My first real date with a girl, and Chakra and Ok are making fun of me on TS...

The nazism was also related to soldat. A then skinhead Hungarian soldat player sent me the link to a neonazi portal, and as my first immersion to politics, yeah, for a smart kid I was really dumb.

Think I evened it out with the far-left activism later on.


Eye of Terror, Ciesta and me. Sweden last year. The picture is blurry because the camera sucks. AND because I was hammered.

What is with this picking up women subculture that you identify yourself.
I think it's despicable.

I don't really anymore. I just know it in and out. At one point we were going to do our own coaching company with a friend, but the industry is beyond fucked up. So I said fuck it, fuck you, I'm fucking out. Backstabbing everywhere, with the pros just looking at the profit margins, not actually caring about the clients... ruthless competing.

And I'm not going to stand next to a thirty-something, fat guy in an Ed Hardy shit who claims that his product is the end-to-be solution for all panties to drop, while claiming he has had sex with a thousand women. And the client would rather believe him than me, because as opposed to that, I say: if you want to get women, you'll have to better yourself. And it's going to be hard.

Because it is despicable, but I'm not despicable. I'm surrounded by people who have to keep secrets, because the things they do would hurt them if the wrong people knew about it... me? I don't lie. I stand by what I do, even if I fuck up. Secrets are for cowards.

Then again, I'm a coward too. We all are. But I'm used to the beatings of life, another kick or two doesn't make a difference. At the end of the road we'll all be pulp.

Despicable. Good word. But I'm not running around getting women drunk in hopes of getting them in my bed. They get me drunk :)

Heh, im not sure if i know a more interesting person from the internet than you.
Its actually amazing when you watch stuff like this in retrospect and thing that have changed- you, others, everything.


Just wondering, where will you be somewhere around the 30th this month?
Going on a trip with a dozen of friends and we'll stop for a day or two in Budapest, and fuck me if i miss a chance to meet you in person.

Heh. I'm not that interesting, I'm just bad at staying put. Plus I can connect the things in a way that they make out a story, not just random events. Fuck, n00bface is interesting. First summer he spent here was sponsored by his album sales... dude's a wizard as far as I'm concerned.

Don't yet know about the 30th. I'll have to check my schedule, I might be working.

You write really well. It was interresting to read about your wild life, since my life is nothing of that kind.

Leave the house, ask questions, be a dick. And stay off the bath-salts!

Offline Ymies

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2012, 04:46:40 pm »
actually yeah, i was retarded enough to think of myself mature when i was a kid because i thought that fooling around was dumb. now i know better. and i fool around a lot, i kinda learned to understand how little people actually care about the actions of a single individual when he attempts to embarrass himself in public. running around naked at the camping sites of other people in the twilight is fun as hell, but then having to talk to them while doing so makes up for years of self-loathing and awkwardness

this is a picture of me eating an onion in a paper hat and a pink floyd tee. what a lovely drinking game

Offline Chariot

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2012, 08:18:20 pm »
Holy shit EoT I miss that guy.
Vidi Vici Veni
I saw, I conquered, I came

Offline sneakyg

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2012, 05:43:31 pm »
So many good times with soldat. It all seemed so intense and serious at the time but i made lots of good friends and memories :D

take care of yourself dude!

Offline Smegma

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2012, 09:10:28 am »
Very well written Demonic, I enjoyed it thoroughly. In fact, I found great interest in the fact that it appears while we traveled starkly different paths we, in some sense, arrived at the same conclusions, even if tainted slightly by our previous dispositions.  Its selfishly reassuring to apparently see someone else who has glimpsed reality enough times to fix its true taste upon their palate, especially someone who I thought was in such a stark opposition from myself, and has come back with similar propositions. Although, to be fair, my image of you long ago was based on snippets of who you really were.

Or perhaps its worse than that and I have merely transformed you into me to simply placate myself.

I don't know where this is going, but I guess I wanted to say that I love you.

Offline Ymies

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2012, 06:00:40 pm »
my bet is that he's never been told he's being loved like that

Offline croat1gamer

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #11 on: August 24, 2012, 08:07:37 pm »
Completely unrelated: Budapest is awesome.
Last year, I dreamt I was pissing at a restroom, but I missed the urinal and my penis exploded.

Offline jrgp

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #12 on: August 25, 2012, 07:09:08 am »
Completely unrelated: Budapest is awesome.

I don't think I see how that is unrelated, but it certainly makes me want to vacation to europe someday. Unfortunately I'm kinda tied to the US right now because of work and school.
There are other worlds than these

Offline Atticus

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #13 on: August 25, 2012, 05:28:40 pm »
Oh the memories. We certainly went down different paths in life. Maybe it's the fact that I was never very serious about Soldat when I played, but I still feel a connection with the game. It makes me smile to see old names on IRC or the forums. It is strange to think that I care about this game at all still, but I do. What is very strange is that two players from Soldat go to the same university as me. I met Owls (from R7) at a restaurant last year. What a small world the internet makes.
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Offline croat1gamer

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #14 on: August 25, 2012, 07:24:48 pm »
For Demonic: Checked out some place called 'the hole', quite nice but my peops dodnt like it. Was both nights at the thing that looked like a festival, was called Zoid or sth ar Rackin bridge. `(or so i was told)
JESUS CHRIST WHY AM I GOING AWAY TOMORROW, BUDAPEST IS MORE AWESOME THAN EXPECTED I WANNA STAYYYYYYY
Last year, I dreamt I was pissing at a restroom, but I missed the urinal and my penis exploded.

Offline Chariot

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2012, 05:02:03 pm »
Oh the memories. We certainly went down different paths in life. Maybe it's the fact that I was never very serious about Soldat when I played, but I still feel a connection with the game. It makes me smile to see old names on IRC or the forums. It is strange to think that I care about this game at all still, but I do. What is very strange is that two players from Soldat go to the same university as me. I met Owls (from R7) at a restaurant last year. What a small world the internet makes.

You two still in SC?
Vidi Vici Veni
I saw, I conquered, I came

Offline croat1gamer

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #16 on: September 01, 2012, 04:21:45 am »
Making a short sum of the excursion:

Awesome time, Budapest was a real suprise, didnt expect it to be that good.
Prague was also neat, but the hotel was a straight downgrade when comparing to the one in Budapest.

The nightlife in both cities is great, but some clubs are incredibly pricey. Im still not 100% sure if the "Pub Crawl" offers are a real deal or just scams. I mean, 20e for 2.5hrs of limitless alcohol?

Also, goddamn gypsies. Broke into our bus, stole some bags, amongst them was mine with my passport and camera. I took 1k photos with it. :(


All in all, awesome excursion, would do again.
My souvenirs:



Almost forgot, short addendum when meeting someone who doesnt share a common language with you:
If its a girl, after asking which room is she, make sure to ask who is she sharing it with.

Met a russain girl, kinda managed to get along and stuff, anycase, to cut it short:
Got back to the hotel around 1am, thought why not go to her as she is leaving tomorrow.
Had the idea to take my ushanka and a bottle of vodka.

Thanks god i didnt.

I cannot explain my horror when the door was opened not by a cute russian girl but her father who can be easily described as a soldier the size of a smaller mountain. I thought that he was going to punch me directly in the room across the hallway because some german students were knocking on everyones doors the last few nights, and quite possibly his one too as he seemed quite annoyed.
Somehow i survived that encounter by excusing the following few minutes and trying to explain i am waiting for the door across his, and that some drunk guy went (again) on a door knock spree.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2012, 04:46:50 am by croat1gamer »
Last year, I dreamt I was pissing at a restroom, but I missed the urinal and my penis exploded.

Offline Atticus

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #17 on: September 02, 2012, 08:01:45 am »
Oh the memories. We certainly went down different paths in life. Maybe it's the fact that I was never very serious about Soldat when I played, but I still feel a connection with the game. It makes me smile to see old names on IRC or the forums. It is strange to think that I care about this game at all still, but I do. What is very strange is that two players from Soldat go to the same university as me. I met Owls (from R7) at a restaurant last year. What a small world the internet makes.

You two still in SC?

Yes Sir. Decided to stay here for graduate school. You?
.phx .bot+ {B}{H} NS - nv` .dfa s/0][ /HS/- </ sk:// `SL - c'n's R7. |LP| Slams&Jams-

Offline xurich

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #18 on: September 07, 2012, 01:45:16 am »
Fucking Demonic, I miss you, bro. I was always sad that you weren't around longer with us in SCTFL staff; you were always a consistent voice of reason. And, of course, I miss our conversations as well. :-( You should definitely pop by IRC sometime, and yeah let's get a couple of gathers going if you have the time. Then you can school me in the art of womanizing!!

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Re: so what happens after soldat? [IMG heavy!]
« Reply #19 on: September 07, 2012, 08:17:29 am »
I always envisioned you as a diligent, introvert and polite student at around the age of 16. It crushes my heart to find out that you're an extrovert smoker who fraternizes with girls and hangs out next to beige walls.

=(