Let Me Give You All a Lesson on Sex

[Blacksheepboy]

Had sex ed. in high school? Well fuck em!

That's the first lesson you learn, and it's kinda the most rudimentary. To make babies, you have... SEX. Yes, sex.

Did you know, a woman doesn't orgasm unless there's four elements involved? Same for a man. The extreme height and pleasure of elevation can only happen between a man and a woman. Yeah, sure you feel fine when you masturbate, but holy hell man, it blows! Haha, no, the sex jokes aren't over.

The next lesson is: the four elements of sex are foreplay, teasing, seduction, and intercourse, though not in that order. The order depends on your personality type. You start with whatever one your strongest in. Bear in mind, "intercourse" is another term for "making out." You have intercourse with YOUR MOUTH, the same thing you speak with. You can actually have intercourse without any physical contact, but that is really high level.

So how do you establish mastery in these four sexual things? You cannot fake it till you make it, because your fears will kill your libido, and your dick goes limp, AKA sure you can orgasm, but there's going to be no elevation. Might as well masturbate in the shower, because it's the same effect.

The four categories go hand-in-hand with the four personality types, which you can actually master. Everyone is naturally just one personality type. The bullshit about being a mix is... might as well be a fucking heresy, because it's wrong. As an example, I am naturally a magician -- as a note, I am going to use the sexual definitions of the personality types and not the eclectic medieval terms; they're outdated and dumb.

A magician is naturally good at stroking the female's body... seductively. You see, this personality type is the third in the list of sexual categories: seduction. The personality types, in order with the sexual categories, are, king, warrior, magician, lover. God, I'm sweating just typing this up.

As I said, I am a magician. I had a girlfriend once, and was notoriously bad at the other three categories, but I could STROKE her lips with mine effectively, so naturally, we loved to kiss. But I was miserable at something like intercourse, so I sucked with words, and never "donkey-smuggled." Whatever, at the time, I didn't care. As I began to veer off into other personality types, I cared less about kissing, and tried the other things I sucked at. It actually made our relationship END. We became incompatible with each other, because we tried out our weakest personality types, and then got into fights and became miserable.

But it was a serious learning moment: that I needed to get this shit handled if I ever wanted another amazing woman in my life, because seriously, she was amazing for the first six months. So I stepped up the ladder, and instead of going into an interior swimming pool, I lept into the fucking arctic--sans the utter insanity I've been spewing for four years, though whenever I returned to mapping, I went back into my magician self, with some of the lessons I had learned along the way, and actually made neat maps -- inf_foundation probably being my best, which is when I dropped off the map for a couple months.

So what is my point, and where do I tie up the knot? When is the cherry popped? When does she feel your fingers? When do you "stick your dick in her"? I'm not putting it lightly. They were all analogies for copulation, the end of sex, because at the peak of elevation, you both want to finish the deal and feel the other's "oven." God I'm getting horny at the library; good thing I'm wearing loose clothes. Why is copulation the END of sex, and why do people rush it? Usually, when you first TRY sex, you just nail her, and she's like, "Bleh," and you're like, "Welp, I'm getting flacid." Because it's suppose to be the height, and people mistake it for THE WHOLE DAMN THING. Nooo, wrong; again, it's the end result. Making babies isn't even the end result. If you do it right, she usually WON'T get pregnant. Usually people have to calm down the whole sex thing to get the woman pregnant.

Okay, to wrap up this first lesson on sex, what are the key factors? Start with your strong point; you need to start strong, because the source of all romantic relationships is SHOWING OFF. That is the beginning to EVERYTHING in a relationship: the first contact to the first physical move. Usually it's kissing, because any personality type has their niche in this move. Don't worry, EVERYONE is good at kissing in their own way. Then, usually your first relationship will fail, but in order to learn about yourself, and develop eventually into the REAL YOU, you must get involved. That's why "losers" have never had a girlfriend; the two are intrinsically linked. Then, date for a while with her, break it off because you both become freaks, ROUND YOURSELF OUT, then get back together again.

That's the quick and dirty explanation; I can't make it any faster or less simple. I'll give the next lesson when I've recovered from burning all my energy from this explanation.

Drink Coca Cola boys (it's a joke, but whatever).

[Blacksheepboy]

Lesson two:

This one is a little more weird, but it's based in reality. I've done an exorbitant amount of research on this topic, and I trust my sources; THEY'VE also spent an exorbitant amount of time on each of their unique topics, and I've gathered at least ten of them together -- some of the best -- to this conclusion. Let us continue.

First, mankind: where is the sum and total of their energy? You might wander this; they've nearly dropped off the map, and angels have had to pick up the pieces, have sex with them, take them to mass, do their laundry, smoke weed with them, and pick up their dog's shit. And. It's. Fucking. Tiring. Also, I've had to do a LOT of pretending. Pretending is bullshit, I'm done with it; fuck you and your meth. Goddamn I hate meth.

Okay, so their sum total of energy comes from ONE thing: adoration of God, the divine, ski chu, fi dung, be yo, WHATEVER. And this adoration is expressed PERFECTLY in the one thing: the fucking mass. Go to mass you mingebags, eat the goddamn bread from heaven, and do your own fucking laundry, smoke your own weed, and have sex with someone more capable, because I don't hard-ons over human women; they're just not horny enough.

Enough of that.

What about angels? Awww yeeah fuck bitches get paid. That basically sums it up, but I'll explain: the reason why angels are so apeshit these days, running the world, and being illuminati is because of the gold: sex. People have forgotten about the holy mass, but oh boy, they CLEARLY haven't forgotten to fuck their next door neighbor's sister every night.

Let me slow down a little, I just got high LEGALLY mind you, and no, it wasn't a drug. I hate drugs so much. No, I drank a can of Coca Cola. I just had to say that to explain why I was acting like a drunken mingebag.

Well, regardless, that's how I am going to say it. I can't really say any of that any other way. Sooo eat it.

[DarkCrusade]

Did anyone ask for sex ed by someone who asked openly how to approach women?

[%%%%%%%]

Keep them coming; they're good reads.

[jrgp]

Banned for 5 days. The SF is not a dumping ground for garbage; get your shit together.