(I'm not sure where this is from. Somebody just posted it on the DS forums.)
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your
borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are
disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium"
in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you should not have chat shows.
2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u'.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really
isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to thingyney, upper-class
twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart'
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no
such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If
you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1.
5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of
football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The
2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no
one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
"rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible
enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a
vegetable peeler.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the
benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real
chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment
to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will
be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser
(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen , Czech Republic) to be
sold without risk of confusion.
11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be
permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting
UKpetrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).
12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists.
That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to
be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.
13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Date Posted: November 07, 2006, 10:20:40 PM
The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
My favorite part.
